Dance, monkey, dance

I am loving my job at the moment. I have some not-quite-employees that make life very fun in the work place. Working at a Rescue Mission, I have two gentlemen that I supervise for their work therapy... and they get paid 12.5 cents per hour to do it! (Considering that they get to stay there for free, I don't think that is a bad trade)

These two gentlemen, who will remain nameless, are so much fun. We get along so well that we spend most of the time laughing. They make fun of me constantly, which is easy to do, and don't mind if I take my shots at them. It's a win-win situation.

One of the funnier things that happens is that I get to tell them what to do. Nah, I usually ask... I think that is nicer and more respectful. However, they act like I am the meanest boss ever and start making the sound effects of a whip cracking. They have told people that I beat them when we are alone. My favorite is the shorter of the two telling the taller, "dance, monkey, dance", when I have asked him to help me with something.

Honestly, we have so much fun that they come and hang out there even when they are not working. Maybe it's me, or perhaps it's the never ending supply of coffee that I bring with me. I will never regret bringing my personal coffee maker to work. Unfortunately for me, I think that it is the coffee. That's okay, I'll take it.

I had my first real success in my new(er) position. I try to prepare people to take the GED. This is a huge step in obtaining a job or an education. I had my first student, that was completely mine and not my predecessor's, take and pass the test. I was turning cartwheels. He even told me that he would not have passed the math if it werent' for me! Woohoo. And to think that I used ot be so afraid of math. Since the GED doesn't go as far as I've attempted to go, I'm good. Word problems still stink. GLad I got that out.

Now I feel like this is something that I can actually do. I have three more students that are ready to go. I can't wait to get them through it, too. I have to say, though, I don't think that I would have made it this far without my boys. Short and shorter have made life wonderful in my job. And it is so much fun to make them dance!!!

Random Nothingness

If you can't tell, I have my dramatic moments. Yeah.

Honestly, I don't think that I can help it. I tend to feel certain things deeply. And for all the drama, I am still playful and enjoy having a good time. I like dragging others along with me as well. I still have a huge amount of energy and I am not against a road trip that begins at two in the morning after staying up all night.

OH... I'm a freak for 80's music... alternative and regular rock... not so much the pop. With all the current boy hairdos I constantly hear a Flock of Seagulls "And I ran". I have a hard time not laughing at the local emo boys and their skinny jeans. My friend Jeff looked better in them. AND he had this beautiful, naturally black hair that went halfway down his back. I remember that he used to put it in a ponytail when he was getting ready to fight. Yeah, good times.

I think that this wave of nostalgia comes from someone from my junior high finding me on one of the networking sites. I guess that he graduated from USC and now has some thriving career in something like finance. Go Brett! How trippy... I remember a party at his house with everyone swimming and chasing each other around his huge back yard. How fun it is to see where he is now. I am so glad that things are going well.

I have been feeling so angst-y. I feel at loose ends. I know that I am not a child, but I am still youthful in my energy and appearance. I still want to have a blast and enjoy all of life that I can. I want to dance with my children for no reason. I want my husband to evoke the same response in me as he did when we were dating (yes, I know that I am responsible for some of this). I love feeling joy over life. I get that really high highs mean that I can also get really low lows. The lows are starting to seriously suck because the stakes are higher. Anyhow, I just want to grab all of life that I can.

I've got to stop letting disillusionment keep me from taking care of my business. Sometimes life does not look the way that I thought it might. I am bored. I guess that comes from running after excitement for such a long time. At this point, I don't think a whole lot will satisfy my appetite for adventure. I guess this would be a great time to learn contentment. That will be a nice uphill battle. Wow, I have my work cut out for me.

Again this is just a little random nothingness.

Love to you all out there, Muffinhound

Inspiration in the broken

When I was living in Arizona, I saw one of the coolest art forms I had ever seen. It was not executed by painters, potters, sculptors, etc. It was done by regular homemakers that were tired of their block walls in their back yards.

What they did was buy tiles, mismatched china, dollar store plates, and any ceramic objects in bright colors that they could find. They made these amazing murals on their back fences. Wildlife scenes took shape, flower gardens that might otherwise be impossible grew, and people felt like they had found an oasis in the desert.

Right now there are so many things going on in my life. I feel broken right now. I feel like I stink at my job. I want to run away from my family. The work I do at church is overwhelming me. My husband is busy all of the time. My weight had been getting to me. I still desperately want to smoke. I don't have any friends in town. I don't get to talk to my friends that live elsewhere because I work full time. I could complain on and on... and that is what this list really is... one long complaint.

Right now I feel like one of those mismatched plates that has been broken up, but not used yet. I am in this limbo land. I don't know what is next. I know right now that things have been flaring up in my life that I had thought that I had conquered. There are things that I truly thought that I was past that have come up to bite me in the tail. I'm not thrilled.

What I think is happening is that I am that broken plate, but instead of allowing myself to be broken completely, about a quarter of me is jumping away from the artist and saying, "I'm not sure what you want will be okay... or that I'll still be beautiful if I am a part of a bigger picture rather than just being me." I have gotten caught in that trap again that I am so stinking important... more important than God and what He is willing to do with me.

Unfortunately, I think that there is more that I need to lose before I am broken enough to submit. I can sense my own hardened heart. I am so angry all over again. I'm irritated by the smallest things. It is a miserable existence, let me tell you. I liked it much better when I could just accept everyone the way that they were and love them because of it. That was true sweetness. I could see the value in everyone and no one was beneath me. How easy it is to think that one area of superiority (intellect, talent, looks, whatever) makes you completely superior. How lame and who cares anyway???

I have come to the conclusion that I suck. I don't like being in this place. I am going to be praying for the way out. I know it has to do with humility and transparency and I know that it will hurt all over again. Maybe I'll learn this time. One could hope. In the meantime, I will look forward to the time that I can be part of a big mural... instead of some useless dish clinging to the pieces that I have left.

Love to you all out there, Muffinhound

Your momma wears combat boots

Oh think back to the days that this was one of the ultimate insults on the playground.... or just something that made you laugh with your friends. When your mom seemed alternately wacky, invincible, and a rock in your life.

And then you grow up. Why is it that mothers just know exactly where to hit their daughters to make them feel like garbage? Were we born with this knowledge? Or did we acquire it from them?

Why is it that the most painful blows in life can come from our parents and our children... I think it might be because they are the ones closest to us, but I don't think the answer is that easy. I think it is because they can live with us and still not have any clue about who we are.
Someone I love dearly just suffered such a blow. And as one who has lived through some similar outbursts in my time from the motherly direction, I can relate to the disgust, distrust, and disappointment that comes with it. This one truly hit below the belt and also involved my brother... soooo do not mess with my family... married in or otherwise. I know I should not be shocked. After all, my mom is still quite special in the responses she is able to elicit from me. Or that I allow to come out, but that is another blog.

All I can say is that I pray that I don't have to do that to my daughters. That I can love and accept them as they are. I guess to some extent I will always want them to be growing and maturing, but I can't dictate how that goes. All I know is that I have to do my best and then trust that God has them in His hands. I have to be okay, and trust me- I am, that they are not like me. I remember saying "I will never do what my mom does". There are many things that I hope that they say the same thing about me. I hope that they learn things faster than I did, or that they learn things without necessarily experiencing them. I wish that I could keep them from some of the pain that I put myself through. I can't. But I will not judge who they are based on the limited amount that I see. I want to know, appreciate, and value them. I hope that I succeed.

In the meantime, just remember that when your mom comes after you with her judgments and pat answers (the ones that worked for her) just think about her wearing combat boots.... and run for cover.

Love to you all out there, Muffinhound

My Deviant Son

Let me get this out first: My son is four years old. He just started Kindergarten last week. He turns five in about a week and a half. He has been suspended from school. Ouch.

I am not meaning to be flippant about any of this. I will get to what he did. I just think that it is both serious and somewhat normal. Remember throughout this that he is four.

My son put his hand down the back of a little 's pants. Wait, that is not entirely correct. He put his hand down the back of two little s' pants.

First, I don't disagree with him being kept at home for today. As the mother of three s as well, I wouldn't be too thrilled if it happened to them. However, I would understand that they are really young and that sometimes children do incredibly dumb things for fun.

The parents of the little s are understandably ticked. They are looking at us and imagining the worst. Let me tell you that my husband and I are not training my son on a Sunday morning to wreak havoc among his classmates. I am completely mortified that he would behave that way. I believe that there is discipline that needs to be meted out.

This is the point that upsets me: we live in a world where our kids can barely play outside because we do not know our neighbors. I am looked at strangely when I tell my children that the reason that they can't go over to so and so's house is because I do not know their parents. I have had discussions with other parents about what I would rather my children not watch. I'm not a control freak... we just have set standards for our children. Shows today are a lot different than when I was little. There is a TV show that is all about lesbian teenagers. It is on at a time slot that my children could watch. I'm not going to deny that things of this nature are occurring in the world, but I don't necessarily want my children to learn about them on TV.

Which goes back to the question, "how could my son do such a thing?" I think the answer is "innocently because he thought that it was funny". That may not satisfy anyone, but I know my son. He is a prankster that needs to learn his lesson on this one. He thinks that everything is funny and normally has a great sense of humor. I think that he just never crossed this line before. He is having to learn that what he did was entirely inappropriate and can't happen again.

The thing that I want to avoid is the lasting consequence of this. I want to discipline my son while protecting him. I don't want him to freak out later on when he is older that he can never touch a . My husband and I have opinions as to the timing of that. We will teach him accordingly. However, I do not want him to think of himself as evil as the other parents want him to. I want him to know that he made the wrong choice, took the wrong action. He can do the right thing next time. He does not have to make the same mistake.

I just wish that life were a little simpler again. I think that we have complicated child rearing past the point of recognition. I take responsibility for disciplining my son. Trust and believe that he knows what I think about his actions. I feel terribly that these other families have to deal with this, especially since it seems to have affected them so severely. I hope that they can forgive my son and be okay. If not, I will have to send him to private school to get away from his "reputation". I am being serious here. I already know how parents are nowadays. Everyone freaks out over everything. I think that the process of learning what is appropriate has been stunted by my over protectiveness. I'll do what I can to fix it. I just hope that this all works out alright.

Love to you all out there, Muffinhound

I must be insane

You know the movie "While you were sleeping"? Well, I had an experience that was completely different, but made me think of it. I will explain.

My friend Cathy came over. She sews and I don't. She came over to measure my thirteen year old daughter and hem her uniform skirts. 'All the girls wear them short, mom'.

Cathy and I can get into trouble. We both are spontaneous people. We are both up for almost anything. Today we decided that pro football was on the menu. Sweet. We bought tickets to the October 28th 49ers vs Saints. The seats are amazing... and expensive. And all of this happened while my husband was in the other room taking a nap.

When he woke up, Cathy and I were chuckling like school girls. Cathy blushes and was doing a good job of turning the color of a beet. I think I just wore my I'm-really-in-trouble-this-time sheepish grin. I am so excited. I haven't been to a pro football game since the 49ers vs the Rams when they were still in LA. I was 17. THAT was 18 years ago... I would say that I'm due.

My husband was nodding in a dumbstruck manner while we explained our evil plot. He kept saying, 'okay', very slowly. He actually does not mind, but I know that he wishes that I would have talked to him first. I believe his words were, "I'm never going to take a nap again." He is a great sport. But I am also the wife that okayed him spending a couple hundred dollars a ticket to see the Diamondbacks win the world series when we lived there. I have sent him to Laker games AND we went to Las Vegas to see the US basketball team lose to Puerto Rico because of laziness and lack of communication. So I can have my sports adventure as well.

I'm completely stoked. This will be a blast.

Love to you all out there, Muffinhound.

"Here in my life" and other things

"I have never walked on water
Felt the waves beneath my feet
But at Your word, Lord
I receive Your faith to walk on oceans deep"

I have struggled for years with fear. At one point, I was practically agoraphobic. I went to a few very specific places with certain people. That was it. I refused to enter the super Walmart anytime before midnight. It was freaky to be that...well... I can hardly describe it. It wasn't necessarily fear, but I think I just got into a pattern that I was so comfortable with that I did not want to do anything else.

Gradually, God brought me out of that nasty, dark place. I think that Arizona was just an extremely rough time for me. There were so many lessons that I had to learn; so many changes to make. They were painful things. I had to give up things that I thought made up who I was. Some of the things that I had to give up were little comforting criticisms that made me feel better about myself at the expense of others. I decided that I wanted to be dealt with based on my own merits rather than the fact that I might have a sharper tongue than someone else. I knew that the Lord was not pleased, or well represented, in some of the things that I said. (and unfortunately still say, but trust me, I have more restraint now)

"And I remember how You found me
In that very same place
All of my failings
Surely would have drowned me
But You made a way"

So I had a game plan. I actually made a list of things that I would never do again. Some of the things on the list were truly ugly that made me look ugly as well. Some of the things on my list would have, had others actually seen the contents, been called impossible. One of which was not yelling at my husband any more. I have actually done fairly well with that one. I feel more in control of myself, Duh. There were many things on that list as well. Some I did for quite some time and then started struggling. For awhile, I didn't say one critical thing about anyone! At All! That one lasted about two years. It is easy to let something go after you start messing up.

I'm hopping down a bunny trail here, but these things won't really make me a better Christian. They may be things that God wants me to do, but adding or subtracting habits or behaviors from my life is not what God wants. To be His first... then the doing comes.

"You are my freedom
Jesus You're the reason
I'm kneeling again at Your throne
Where would I be without You
Here in my life?"

I have heard people say that my faith is weakness. I am not offended by this. "A fool shows his anger at once and a wise man overlooks an insult" (Proverbs) I feel sad that I don't always get the chance to explain all that God has done in my life. My faith is not weakness. I have found that it is a position of profound strength. I have a deep and intimate relationship with the Creator of the universe that loves me passionately. I'm going to be slightly unpopular here: He loves the prostitutes that I see near my work, the drug addicts that don't really want to give it up, the men and women that have hardened their heart to the wrong that they do, the ones that say that there is no God... He loves them desperately. I'm not pushy... I hope that my life speaks.

"You have said that all the heavens
Sing for joy at one who finds
The way to freedom
Truth of Jesus
Brought from death into His life"

I know that I am human and imperfect; I would never play my life off as otherwise. I have a sharp tongue that can wound deeply. I am a perfectionist about music (among other things)... completely retentive. I still battle my temper and often lose. Just because I believe that Jesus died on a cross and didn't stay dead doesn't mean that I'm now a member of an exclusive club that no one else is good enough to join. Shoot... I wasn't good enough to join! None of us are!

I'm going to be extremely open here and bare my soul a bit. I had an abortion when I was 18. I will not say what I think about abortion because you could probably guess my heart on this matter now. It was what I felt that I had to do. I was afraid of what my parents would say. I was afraid that I would have been unable to handle the responsibility. I used to calculate how old they would be, when they would have been born. I used to flog myself with my burden. Oh how it hurt. It hurt even more after I had children and knew what it was like to love them. It used to be unbearable. Then one day in my kitchen I started thinking about some of the things that the Bible says. "If you confess your sins He is faithful and righteous to forgive them", "As far as the East is from the West that is how far He removes our sin from us", and "He takes our sin and remembers it no more". If God sees it like that, who am I to hold punish myself for something He doesn't even remember? Since my feelings weren't in line with what the God's Word says, I prayed that God would make me feel forgiven. He did. I was overwhelmed by His love and forgiveness. I felt like a child that had a dad that was proud of me. Really proud of me... just because I was His!

"And I remember how You saw me
Through the eyes of Your grace
And though the cost was
Your Beloved (Jesus) for me
Still You made a way...
You are my freedom..."

Maybe after all of this you are saying, "what a freak... she should have just taken medication". I actually was tested for a couple of things because I asked to be... I wanted to find out what was wrong. I was hoping that something would have shown up. It would have explained a lot. Nothing did. Darn.

I think with age we get into these comfortable little ruts and nothing short of a burning bush experience will move us, and sometimes that isn't even enough. I just decided that I didn't want to be before God someday hearing about all of the opportunities that I missed to love the Lord with my life. How foolish that I would hold to conventions more than I hold on to my God. Everything else in life will fail me, but God never will. Not weakness... profound, confident strength. I hope that the next generation of Christians show a harvest of selfless activism, living out His love in a practical way in the world... not isolated in our little church bubbles. Let it begin with me and mine.

Love to you all out there, Muffinhound

The song that I quoted is "Here in my life" from Hillsong Australia's Savior King Album

Drama Drama Drama

I am too old for drama. There is drama at work, church, and in my family life. Sucks. I'm not complaining, too much anyway, just saying.

I have never been hated more in my life than I am at this moment. In order to do my job, I have to call people on the carpet for their stuff. I am not trying to prove that I am in power; I'm just trying to hold them responsible. If I do not hold them responsible, I get in trouble. So much for the good old days when I let them hang themselves. One blissful year has passed by since I instituted that personal policy and the honeymoon is over. Calgon take me away. I love having former gang members glaring at me like they want to sell my first child to their former dealer. Sorry... that was very Thailand of me. I just wish that I could take the funeral homes up on their offers and quit this job. I know that didn't really make sense. I have funeral homes that have been asking me if I could sing for memorial services. It is good money... for fifteen minutes of my time. I am about this close to begging my husband to let me stay home and do just that. I'd rather sell tupperware at this point... that is scary.

Ahhh church... I can't get too specific about this one. I just know that my husband can be super cool and sometimes others can be complete jerks. I may not be thrilled with my husband all of the time (let's not dig too deeply on this one) but he tries so hard at everything that he does. He always wants to do whatever God wants him to do. If God told me to pick up a horn and march around a city and that the walls would fall down, I would most likely say ,"you want me to what???" My husband would say ,"Alright, let's go". There isn't a whole lot of fear in him. I get so mad when he is held back by other people's fear. I think that is about all that I will say at this moment. I left church yesterday because I was so livid. I'm okay now. Just slightly bitter! I'm alright, the Lord is dealing with me on this one.

Families can be our most contentious relationships and mine is no exception. Right now I could cheerfully say mean things and throw animal hand signals (and disrespectful words) at my dad. I can't think of all of the things that I would like to say to him and my mother. My brother, however, will help me let cooler heads prevail. I won't say a word. Literally. I will not talk to them again. Last month my mom, dad, husband and I sat down to lay out ground rules for how we would deal with each other. My parents broke three of those ground rules in less than five minutes. AND my dad brought up something out of my past that I haven't done for over ten years! I told him that he was hateful and that he wouldn't see us again. Now I have to live it. It still hurts... I wish my parents did not still have the power to hurt me this way, but there is still a little girl in here that would like them to at least be a little pleased with me. Oh well... it will never happen.

So this is my life right now. I wish that my husband and I could hop a plane and go to Italy like we are planning. Today would be nice. I have decided that I never want to own a home if it means that I can't do anything else in life. So I think that I will start travelling more. I'm not hurting anyone by running. That is what this is anyway. I'm fine with me... I just don't want to get hurt by stupid people anymore. I've had enough. I've probably said more than enough, too.

Love to all (most) of you out there, Muffinhound

I am frustrated... any ideas

At this point in my life I am a little frustrated. I work with men and women that are, supposedly, attempting to recover form alcohol and addiction. I am trying to help them obtain the skills that they need to be able to pass the GED.

I need to back up for a second. Some of these men and women are court ordered. Some of them really want a fresh start. It is about fifty-fifty at this point on who wants to be here and who doesn't. The ones that don't, however, are a pain in my backside. They are rude and belligerent. Shocker. Been there, done that. I really don't know quite what to do with the snotty ones. Some of them want to get kicked out. I'm torn between kicking them out and making them stay just for spite. In the end, I really don't have a say. The people with control over these people have said that this class is mandatory. Yeah for me.

I will tell you that some of these individuals, more likely men... it is what it is, are really motivated. They are driven. These I can work with. Some are so unfocused that I am fairly sure that the that they used caused irreparable damage. It is either that or they just want me to do their work for them and they figure that I will break down at some point and just do it. Hmmmm.... I take option 2. As a mom, it would be really easy to do their work for them, but since I can't take their test, I can't do their work. I fight myself every day on this one, but I haven't given in... there is no "yet" in that statement because I have determined that I won't. Period.

I have one gentleman that is exceedingly rude to me... wait, I have two... I think that I just want to run away. I guess if you add all of this little stuff to the bigger things going on in my life, I feel overwhelmed. I just want to get in my car and run to the beach or the mountains... somewhere relaxing where I can just be by myself. Calgon take me away!

Normally, I can be fairly adept at dealing with different temperaments. The teaching thing I am honestly not afraid of... I don't have to know everything. There is no shame in asking someone else for help in an area where I am weak. None at all. However, this personality issue is me. I know that I should expect them not to be perfect, but I wouldn't treat a dog I disliked as poorly as some of them treat me. And Boy, do they get angry when I call them on it or write them up! I love people who do not take responsibility for their actions... it's my favorite thing in the world.

I guess that I need to evaluate if this really is the job for me. I thought that it was going to be great. Parts of it are great. Some of it is so stressful and I don't know that I'm the right person for it at this point... maybe not ever. I had so many people tell me how much I fell short of the person that held this department last. That is pleasant. I was told more than once that "I was no Miss Gina". Of course not! I'm me, and for better or worse I was asked to do this because it was needed... especially because my company was not given a whole lot of notice. I was the best that they could do. I know, pathetic, but there you have it.

If anyone has any ideas on how to manage early twenty-something's (that have just come off of ) attitudes, let me know. I would sure appreciate any ideas that I could get my hands on.

Love to you all out there, Muffinhound

A Little Bit of Ugly!

I have a friend that lives in another state and is going through a really rough patch right now. She is in the middle of a divorce that is destined to get ugly. He is a prison guard that fancies himself as far more than a corrections officer. He is "super trooper" or something lame like that.

Most institutions do not allow the employees to carry anything more than a baton, but when this, ahem, gentleman goes out in public, he wears his gun. So you don't flip out, they live in Arizona so it is quite alright to carry a gun as long as it remains visible. Then again, anyone and their mother can get a concealed weapons permit there. However, maybe the prospect of having to wear pink boxers in an un-airconditioned building in the desert is a deterrent for crime. Or maybe just the thought of meeting this ego-maniacal freak keeps them at bay. Who knows. Anyway, he wants people that see him to think that he is a police officer instead of a corrections officer.

Now my friend is not perfect. She has always been so competent that anyone could be intimidated. She could always do anything set in front of her. She is extremely intelligent and has exceptionally sharp wit. And a sharp tongue. You can expect that she will shoot straight with you. Well, when a man enters into that kind of life that whether he admits it or not has confidence and self-esteem issues, he does not need a woman that belittles him for not being able to do all of the things that come effortlessly to her. That about sums up her position.

Now for the super-fun part. This gentleman spends money like there is no tomorrow. He spent $1200, which they didn't really have, on ammo for his guns. He has a temper that is exceedingly violent. He has never hit my friend, but he has screamed at his 4 year old daughter, calling her a little "F". He has punched holes in walls and doors. He now wants custody half of the time so that he does not have to pay too much child support. He barely held his six month old baby before the divorce stuff started. They have three little girls. I am so sad for them.

Add to all of that the fact that he has cheated on her at least once. Not so sure about the first time... I was living there and he was acting weird. People had seen him about town with a girl other than my friend. Don't know... not going to assume.

I feel so bad for both of them... yes, both of them. When I met him, He was fun to be around and we would have them over all of the time. We had babies at the same time and went to movies together. We watched football and baseball together. We used to hang out and enjoy one another. My friend tried to get counseling by herself and with him. He just wasn't having it. He already has (had???) a girlfriend. Unfortunately, all of our old friends in Arizona aren't surprised. That kind of upsets me because I want to ask some of them if they knew that this might happen, why weren't they checking up on them? Why weren't they calling both of them on their crud? Marriage is a whole lot easier when you don't hang around people that blow smoke up your butt.

The other reason why this is sad is it brings into focus the thought of longevity in your own relationships. I can understand why people might say that this divorce really isn't shocking; they had been having problems for years. The reason why we couldn't be of help was that my husband did take this gentleman aside and asked him if he thought he was doing the right thing in his marriage. The guy decided not to talk to my husband and me again. Oh well on that one. However, back to my point, some marriages that you see end are seemingly happy, alive unions. They seem truly in love. They share interests and support one another. Those are the ones that really make you think... if it happened to them it could happen to me. That is a sobering thought.

I have truthfully thought about leaving my marriage and my husband is a decent guy! My problem has always been a restlessness and a need to battle my inner boredom. That's all. And my husband is really, really normal. I am a little bit myself, but I also like to do wild and fun things, too. I will hop a plane to go see a concert in another state if I have the cash. Just for fun. I like the excitement of that kind of freedom and I don't think that needs to end just because you are married. My husband has supported my fun things, but normally does not participate. The other issue was that sometime my husband is so focused on the goals in life that he almost forgets that I'm there. Hey, I'm not complaining; sometimes it's a good thing. However, sometimes it hurts.

The thing that kept me in line was that he didn't really truly do anything unforgivable to me. And that things that he was doing were not really on purpose. He was just insensitive and kind of self absorbed. Like I have never been that! And to be completely candid, the thought of being a single mom and raising four children mostly by myself really held no attraction for me. My children definitely need us both.

Wow, was that a big bunny trail! I just hope that my friends in AZ can somehow come out of this thing semi-whole. I hope that he can step up and be a decent dad and that she could be a little bit more compassionate toward his deficiencies. And really pray that he gets into some kind of anger management therapy... that is a must. I really do hope that they both get help for whatever pain they have from this. I hope that he does okay. I already know that she will.

Love to you all out there, Muffinhound

Random Things of Beauty

Some days I feel like I have woken up with a special pair of eyes. Things just appear differently. It is almost as if my mind is taking pictures of various things that I find. And here is what I see... or a close approximation.

I'm driving to work on a street called Beale. The houses are not in great condition. The neighborhood, frankly, sucks. All of a sudden I look to my right and in front of a well-tended white house stands a woman of some indeterminate ethnicity. She stands at the fence that surrounds the property. What is beautiful about this? She is smiling. From ear to ear. It is not your ordinary smile, it is filled with peace. In that second of time, my heart lifted seeing someone that was at peace with the world and her surroundings, no matter how meager they might seem to spoiled rotten me. I wanted to pull over and ask her to include me. It was beautiful.

A little further down the road is this pink stucco house that I see almost everyday. It was not pink when I first laid eyes on it two years ago. It was grey and ugly. Hey, it is still ugly. But today I looked over and it seemed different somehow. It wasn't really ugly anymore, just worn. The pink exterior took on the look of a house that someone is trying desperately to bring back. It was no longer an eyesore. It was beautiful.

Rewind a day. I was in church on Sunday morning. Besides having a message that rocked my socks off (about Christians not just 'acting' like Christians, but 'being' Christians... God's continuity continues... see the previous blog) I got to experience really blessing the elderly folks in our congregation. As a worship leader, I can pray and pray and pray and still miss the mark with the songs that I choose. It depends on how everyone that is participating is feeling. For Sunday, since I did not know what the message was going to be beforehand, I picked songs that were meaningful to me. The first service is older hymns and some contemporary choruses. So I picked some hymns that were easily 100 years old and others that were within the last fifty years. May sound boring, but some of the words just grab you. For instance, "how sweet to hold a newborn baby and feel the pride and joy he gives, but greater still the calm assurance this child can face uncertain days because He lives." I have four children; this means something to me. That isn't what I intended to talk about, however. The thing that got to me was the fact that I look out at the congregation while I am leading and see these strong, older men crying. I'm sorry, there is nothing more beautiful than seeing a grown man cry over something that touched his heart.

Rewind a few more days. I think that I might have mentioned a funeral that my husband and I did for a family member of a group of sisters in our church. Let me back up. Five out of seven of these sisters have been removed from their mother's home and placed into foster care. The third sister is in foster care with a couple in our church that has a grown daughter. The couple has taken on the responsibility of helping the sisters in any way that they can. Well, the dad is a CPA and sometimes receives good in trade of services, especially from long term clients. Recently he was given a boat that was somewhere on the delta and the family made plans to go see it. They were going to Stockton for the day, but the foster daughter did not want to go unless her eldest sister could come, too. The couple said that this was fine and they set out. They were seeing the boat when the eldest daughter received a horrible phone call. A hospital in Stockton was calling to say that her father was there! Talk about odd coincidences. Unfortunately, he was there because he had been beaten and was on life support. The oldest daughter had to go to the hospital and make the call to take him off life support. Now none of that sounds pretty. I just saw that God was taking care of those young ladies.

How do you honor a man that might not have been much of a man, let alone much of a father? These s did an amazing job. Their father had ually abused all of the older s. He was a drunk and had gotten sober about two years ago. He had tried to go to each of the s and tell them how sorry he was. Even though what he did was dreadfully wrong, I have seen men do things like this and never admit to anything, let alone acknowledge the damage that it causes. I thought that this took courage on his part. The s planned a funeral that was about forgiveness, both of their father and their father's er. They picked appropriate and beautiful songs. I was also touched by my husband's sermon. He talked about how Jesus was beaten... that may seem a little off given the circumstances, but all I could think of was that Jesus understood what their dad had gone through. It was extremely touching to remember that Jesus was beaten for me. I cried thinking about what not only Jesus had been through, but what the s' dad had gone through as well. No one deserves to die that way.

Anyhow, some of that might have made sense and some of it probably didn't. All I know is that my day goes better when I am focused on random things of beauty rather than all of the ugly.

Love to you all out there, Muffinhound

Spiritual Spankings

I just got my spiritual butt chewed big time. Some things that you read or hear just hit you and you can't help but say "ouch". Since I am hard headed and stubborn, I have been taken out to the spiritual woodshed for a spanking any number of times. This just cut me... so I share.

It starts with this question "If Jesus was all you had, would Jesus be enough for you?" Some many times I am disillusioned and disappointed in people or events. When they do not act the way that I think they should, or even the way that they say that they will, I get upset. Some people may think that would be understandable. But as a Christian, it really should be evident that I am one! I have a saying... you can't expect non-Christians to act like Christians, you can't expect baby Christians to act like mature Christians, and you can't expect mature Christians to be perfect. I know that it sounds annoyingly exclusive. Truth be told, I have met many non-Christians that are far more loving and generous than Christians that have walked with the Lord forever... including myself. Ouch to that. I want to love others so that people see that there is something different about me.

Okay, next item... "Many precious believers are in love with the things of the Lord, but they are not in love with the Lord Himself." Awww man. There are many times that I want to feel near to the Lord rather than be near to Him. The thing about being near to God is that you will always come away changed. Sometimes I would rather remain the same. Guilty again.

A little more..."Even with praise and worship it is possible to sing "about" Jesus and not truly worship Jesus. With preaching and teaching it is possible to talk "about" Jesus and not truly meet Jesus in what is shared. In prayer it is possible to talk "about" our needs and never actually commune with Jesus Himself." I could say a big, fat 'duh' here, but that would be rude. I have experienced this both as a worshipper and a worship leader. It is unpleasant from both angles. When you are leading, but not worshipping, it feels completely hollow. When you are leading and worshipping, but the ones that you are leading are not, it feels empty as well... almost like I failed in my job. I don't like feeling like a failure. (who does) However, it is everyone's responsibility to come prepared to love the Lord on Sunday... it is not my job to make that happen for someone else. It still stinks though.

"I have learned that stress, strife, disillusionment, dissatisfaction, bitterness, anger, hurt, misunderstanding, and confusion comes from everything said and done by religious people ABOUT the Lord, and IN THE NAME of the Lord, that does not, in fact, have anything to do with Jesus Himself." Whoa! Too true! That is honestly why I don't say anything to anyone unless I'm sure that I am supposed to... unless I'm so sad or angry that I'm not thinking straight... I did that one recently... boy, did I blow it! There are a whole lot nicer ways to express what I expressed in a nasty way. I have to be a little more circumspect next time I discuss something.

"How much of your focus is directed to the things of God, and not to God Himself? How much of your discussion centers on things about Jesus, and not Jesus Himself? Just look around. This brother is focused on end-time events, and that sister is devoted to inner healing. This brother is primarily concerned with prophetic things, while another sister is keenly interested in spiritual warfare. That brother is deeply involved with theological discussions, while that sister is in love with Christian music. One movement emphasizes this particular thing, and another group stands for another thing." Caught me! ouch!

This statement is so true that it hurts me desperately. "Many things compete for our time, attention, affection, energy, and money. But there is only one Lord Jesus. Just as some people cannot see the forest for the trees, I believe most sinners cannot see Jesus for the Christians. And I believe most Christians cannot see Jesus for the "church". Is Jesus enough?" Wow.

Here is the authors biblical solution. "Mark 3:14:
"And he ordained twelve, that they should BE WITH HIM, and that He might send them forth to preach."
You are called to be with Jesus. That is your calling. That is the primary thing, the highest ministry. Going forth to preach or do anything else is of secondary importance. We should be with Jesus; after that, He might send us forth to preach. But before Jesus said, "Go into all the world" He said, 'Be with Me.'"

The times in my life where I feel truly satisfied are when I was drawing near to God in a very real way. When I was immersed in knowing Him better, nothing else mattered. I didn't feel like I had to escape or run away... I was happy and serene with it. It was... well... cool. I live for moments like that.

"The call of the Lord is not more important than the Lord of the call." Deep, dude.

"If Jesus was all you had, would Jesus be enough for you? Or do you have to have all the "trappings" of Christianity, all the bells and whistles, all the toys and trinkets? Make no mistake: there is no life in the things that are ABOUT Jesus. There is life only in Jesus Himself." How often do I want things to look okay rather than be okay? Alright, most of the time I really would rather things be okay, but sometimes I just want the appearances because the interior jobs take so much work.

What this gentleman is saying is exactly what I needed to hear. "May I speak candidly? If you are dissatisfied and disappointed with your Christian walk today, it is only because of one thing: Jesus is not enough for you. Somewhere along the line, something else became more important than Jesus. Maybe you have become focused on the things ABOUT Jesus that are NOT Jesus. There is only one solution. You do not need more of the Lord, because He has already given Himself completely to you already. You just need less of everything else." Why do I need anything else when I have Jesus?

And here is the big finale.
"Remember.

Remember what it was like to hear His Voice, to be so filled with passion and love for Him, that you wanted nothing more than to sit at His feet, and hear His Word. Remember when you were so infatuated with Him that you did not want to do anything else. Remember what it was like to just be with Jesus. Go back to when Jesus first called you to be with Him. Go back to the time when all you had was Him. Go back to the time before you were planting churches, speaking prophetic words, preaching to the unsaved, pastoring the congregation, teaching the people, or leading worship. Go back to the time when there was no work, no ministry, no vision, no special calling - except Jesus calling you to be with Him. Remember when you said, "He's all I need!"

So what happened?

I pray the Lord will draw us after Himself and make us thoroughly sick and tired of things - especially the things that are ABOUT Him, but are NOT Him.

God so loved the world that He gave His Only Son, Jesus.

Well... is Jesus enough?"

I don't think that I need to say too much more... other than this is where you can find Chip Brogden's original article... http://www.livingcovenant.com/MiscArticles/Watchman%20Articles/IsJesusEnough.htm

Love to you all out there, Muffinhound

What's New

Other than the general restlessness that has invaded my life recently, there have been some super-cool things going on. With the intent to convince everyone that I am not a negative person, I would like to share those things.

First, I quit smoking. Yes, it smells good right about now, but I'm not smoking anymore. AND I haven't gained weight. Woohoo! This may not seem like much to you non-addictive types, but it is a big deal to me; I had been smoking off and on since I was about 15... twenty years!

I had another irritating (and painful) habit that I quit recently. I used to pick at my cuticles. They were always dry and rough so I would pick at them. (I am so glad that I never used meth... I could not imagine how messed up I would have looked) I finally stopped. They are completely healed. I even went so far as to get nails last night. I feel so pretty and feminine. That is not a normal state for me so I will enjoy it while I can.

My family is taking it's first let's-go-somewhere-other-than-Disneyland vacation ever. It is only over a weekend and it is to.... Legoland. Not a whole lot of difference, I know, but the children are excited. Well, we did not know exactly how this trip was getting paid for... we rarely have any extra money. (The nail thing was a complete fluke... we are just doing really okay financially) Still, this trip was a little more than we had to comfortably spare. Well, I came home from work yesterday and my husband told me that we had an unexpected visitor. Curious, I asked who... my husband hands me a pretty card. Someone from our church, who will remain nameless, just felt like they needed to give us $250! I trip out on stuff like that. God has taken care of my needs, but He also takes care of my wants. (I'm thinking that the spiritual refreshing that I got in Australia was a need and that time together having fun with my children is a need as well.) Anyway, we now have enough to go to Legoland. Yippee!

The last thing on my long list of blessings is we were given a car. Our purple mini-van that I drive has been acting up for some time. It overheats regularly. It has fuse issues... the wipers will just randomly turn on when the engine starts... or when I turn right... fun stuff like that. My husband's mom and dad had a Toyota Camry that belonged to his grandmother. At first they were going to sell it, but they later decided that they would give it to us. We would have paid the price that they were asking: It was really reasonable. However, they just gave it to us. I am so excited! It is black (the pain job needs some work) and has a grey leather interior. It has a moon roof. I am so pleased. It is going to be my car. Hubby still gets the pimped out mini-van. Oh and here is something freakishly weird... someone approached my husband and asked him if they could buy our junk van! My husband told them that it didn't run so hot all of the time, but the guy said that he would take it. How cool is that?!!!

So the outside stuff seems to be coming together. I am happy about that, really. It looks like we might even be able to buy a home within the next year and a half... without any credit card debt behind us. I'm thrilled about that one. I just wish all the inside garbage was going as swimmingly. I wish it were as effortless as the rest of my life. Hey! I actually said that I wish life were easier??? What a doof... I know that it is going to stink sometimes. This all sounds like a personal problem to me.

Love to you all out there, Muffinhound

Time for Travel

I was hanging out with a friend discussing things that we would love to do if we had unlimited funds and time. What we ended up deciding was that we would probably take a world cruise. We are not talking about just going for a week... we are talking about the cruises that are three to four months long.

I want to overwhelm my senses with how other people live. I want to see things that were built more than two thousand years ago. I want to take pictures of churches, pyramids, markets, waterways, everything! I want to saturate myself in things that I don't see every day.

I would want to buy wacky, one of a kind jewelry in every city. When I was in Australia, my friend Emilee was asked where she purchased her earrings. She, the world traveller, had to tell them, oops... sorry, I got them in Belgium. In Belgium! How random is that?

Not that I'd want to brag about it if I got to go. No, I noticed after I got home from Australia that I felt calmer in general; that I knew that not all places were like home. I was actually reassured by this. I just wanted to watch people and soak up what makes a country the way it is.

I think that is truly the heart of travel. Okay, I love architecture and I really think that it is art, but that doesn't necessarily dictate how the people are. I love seeing the weird idiosyncratic things that make up a people. I love the differences.. they are so interesting. I don't want to hang out with people that are just like me, I want to get to know people that are different.

I found so many things in other cultures interesting. My sister-in-law is from Japan and she explained that when someone dies, they are only cremated to the point that the bones are still there. Then a family keeps the bones in their home. Wild! A) I didn't even know that a procedure like that was possible... what lengths did they go to to discover that? and B) other cultures' burial practices say many things about that culture. This practice shows that they revere their family, venerate them. I thought that it might not be my cup of tea, but I am glad for them.

See, that is what I want to learn. I want to get to know an area. Okay, maybe a whirlwind, around the world cruise won't be enough. Maybe I'm going to have to consider starting to travel for weeks at a time to one individual place. I just know that I want to travel more. I don't ever want to stop learning... ever.

Love to you all out there, Muffinhound

My Shiny

The purpose of this blog is to explain a certain word. The word is "Shiny".

I have a problem with being easily distracted. I can be right in the middle of a conversation and if I hear someone talking about something else that is interesting, and I actually know them, I will drop my conversation and join the other. I am aware that I do this quite frequently and I make fun of myself often. Right before I switch to the other conversation I will say, "oooh, shiny". People that know me well just laugh and know that I will doggedly return to their conversation in a moment. I really am not intentionally rude, but I guess it can come off that way. Most people just laugh at me. I really don't mind.

The other definition is best described by talking about a friend of mine. (Now I've done it) My friend has this guy that she likes... sometimes she's not entirely sure why, except that he is really good looking. Hey, it is what it is. He is smart, too, but I think she downplays that so we won't all know how much she really likes him. Can you believe that we are all in our thirties??? Anyhow, when he comes to say hi she sighs and says, "hmmm, shiny". She has even referred to him as 'her shiny'. I think that is funny.

If I were to call a person shiny it would probably be because they were losing their hair. I know, I'm weird. I just have so much fun with the people that I hang out with. They 'get me' more than others in my life do. I can be my wackiest, bizarre self and no one has a cow. They do not mind that I am easily distracted and often forget my thought in the middle of my sentence. (This would be why I write... I have proof of where I was headed with thoughts) I don't really know what they think of me other than they enjoy laughing with me... or was it at me? I think that it is both because they also talk to me about serious stuff, too.

Either way, I love hanging out with them, too. Shiny.

Love to you all out there, Muffinhound

My favorite poem

When You are Old
When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;
How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;
And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.
--W. B. Yeats

I'm in a little romantic frame of mind this morning. I just thought that I would share this with you. It is my absolute favorite poem ever. I think that there is something so profound in marrying the right words together. 'Moments of glad grace' and 'pilgrim soul' just strike something within me. Together, the whole thing is achingly beautiful. I think I'll let it speak for itself.

Love to you all out there, Muffinhound

The truth of the matter is...

I have to get this out. I want everyone to know how human I am.

I think I can trace every major difficulty that I have ever had back to a desperate need to control. Not a shocker, most people have this issue to some extent. The only reason that I bring this up is I have realized that I am starting to take my actions to extremes again. This is not a good thing for me.

I think the main reason for my extremely addictive personality is that control thing. I joke all of the time about being a perfectionist, or being the diva, but I really am serious. This is something that I struggle with, not because I am better than anybody, but because I want everything just so.

I find some of my old habits very tempting. No, I don't want to drink again... that would be disastrous. I don't relish dreams of becoming a stoner again. At thirty-five that seems both pointless and lame. No, I've moved on to bigger and better addictions. Those stupid prescription pills... can't do that anymore... it landed me in the hospital... I felt good about this one because I was taking my own meds without going to scary lengths to get them. Surprising what little justifications we present in order to do what we do.

No, the main things that I want to do now are smoke (It smells so good again) and starve myself. Maybe even exercise compulsively... I'm pretty good at that one. I'm just having such a hard time right now for no apparent reason. Last summer was a full fledged nightmare for me. It really hasn't gotten much better... just busier. I have thrown myself into various activities and nothing has really healed all that I felt.

Now understand that I know that feelings aren't fact. I know that I do not have to act on them. I can suck it up and go on okay. Typically, I am not a depressed person. That still holds. Right now, however, my life looks bleak again. I am seriously bummed that things look so sucky in many areas of my life. I am doing all that I feel led to do and more, but nothing seems to change. I have to decide if I can stand my life this way even if it never changes. Some days the answer is yes and some days it is no.

So what I do when I am unable to make a difficult decision? I retreat into a world where I am controlling little facets of my life... and they normally end up hurting me. My recent hospital visit is a great example. Not that I want anything to go wrong, I still want things to be okay. I just can't make them be okay alone.

I've even had yelling-crying bouts with God before about some of this. Why? Why? Why? I don't even get some of this. I do understand that my character is being built up in this process. I am stronger than ever before in some ways, but I am still having a difficult time dealing with some things. I am not angry with anyone, I just feel fairly alone in this. No one can tell me what will make things right. How do you become content with situations that are stinky? Stinky in my case seems to be monotonous, boring, seemingly without purpose, without value, and staid. Some days I feel like grabbing my hair and pulling and screaming at the same time.

If this seems nebulous and vague, it is! Some days I can't even put a finger on the problem. Some days everything seems clear. One thing is certain: If Jesus were to come to get me today, I'd be fine with that. Don't mistake me... I don't want to die... I happen to like living, even enjoy it. I just get sick of feeling like I am on the edge of something cool and then nothing ever happens. Shoot... right now I would settle for a new baby, but that would not make anything better. (The rest of my children would be thrilled, however)

I guess I am going to have to suck it up for the time being. I'm not meaning to be dramatic, but I feel like I am dying little by little every day. This life I am in is killing me. I think that I need random and frequent vacations, but those are only a band aid. They are not going to solve anything for the long term. I guess I am going to have to have another get together with God over this garbage. I think that I need to figure out how to get grateful again. We'll see.

Love to you all out there, Muffinhound

Cybersitter stinks

Drat that stupid program. Since my work environment is very cautious about what is viewed online, we have lots and lots of restrictions. How many of you went to Sunday School as a child? Can you hear the song "Oh be careful little eyes what you see. Oh be careful little eyes what you see. for the Father up above, He is looking down with love. So be careful little eyes what you see." And so on and so forth.

It makes sense. I work in a place where it is not unusual to come in contact with sex offenders and others that have sexual dysfunction. I guess, as a women, that I feel reassured that they can't view anything that might... ummm.... well, that might. At least the obvious things.

Can you believe that I have never felt afraid? The entire time that I have worked at this place I have always felt comfortable and safe. I heard a statistic that one of the populations that we rarely look in the eye is homeless men. When I heard that I realized that it was truth for me. I started talking to them. Now some of them are odd birds that really want to push me. I have had one tell me that he loved me... that was awkward. I think I actually said, "ew". Not being mean, just letting him know that it wasn't an appropriate comment. I'm sure he'll never say that again. Thank you, Jesus.

But I have to tell you- I love these people. I don't understand why. I just do. I think it is because these people matter to God even when they don't matter to anyone else. The ones that have been through tragedy or are coming out of addiction simply break my heart. Some of the things that they have suffered were of their own making, but does that make them any less painful? I think, from my own experience, that causing your own pain makes things worse. Then you not only hurt, but have wounded your pride severely as well.

I may not always love my job. I may not always love my co-workers. However, I love the men and women that I work with. I can't even imagine living how some of them have had to live. Somehow they still have so much hope in them. I find them inspirational and amazing.

I'm such a sap.

Love to you all out there, Muffinhound

Arrrggghhh

I'm listening to 'angry' Christian music today... well, as angry as Christian music gets.

You see, I am extremely ticked today. Yes, I said 'ticked '. Originally, I said something else that was kind of like a bathroom function or a British word for drunk, but the Cybersitter on my work computer wouldn't let me. For those of you that will read this and don't know me, understand that I am the biggest underachiever on the planet. I am so afraid of failure that I truly never try. I keep getting promoted anyway. I don't quite get that, but whatever. Oh, I do my job and whatever is in front of me, but someone has to put it there. Right now my life has been pretty well structured that I always know what I have to do next. I like that more than I thought I would.

So enter my nemesis... I'll call her Captain Brown-nose. (Originally I called her a name that meant she was completely bunchy in her under garment region, but... well same as above) Captain Brown-nose is a department head. Ooooo... that makes her sooo special. Suffice it to say that she is higher on the food chain than I am, but, remember, I don't truly care because I don't want to fail. That said, Captain wad has been trying to get me in trouble. She has been investigating my work.... have I done it? how well have I done it? and so on and so forth. She is not my department head. You needed to know that.

Not only has she been checking on me... she has been lying about it! She told my boss that people came to her to tell her all of my nefarious deeds. Noooo, she called them into her office. My boss, who is super sweet and totally non-confrontational, just wants me to let it blow over. All I can say is that inside I am screaming "Let me at her!"

I think that you need more history before you decide that Senora Brown-nose should be skewered. Last Summer, Senora Brown-nose was my boss. Yikes! was that rough! She used to yell at her employees for no reason. Even when she messed up, we would be blamed for it. I adopted an attitude that said "no matter what, you must be right". That was a tough one, but I did it. And she still kept yelling. Personally, I won't yell at someone unless I'm married to them, gave birth to them, are related to them, or I really think that they suck. So I was shocked that she would yell. A lot. So I decided, after very little forethought on my part, that I would ask her to stop. I think some of the words that crossed my lips where things like "please stop treating me like your red headed step child" and things of that nature.

She really wanted to fire me, but the big boss likes how I sing so she wasn't allowed. Fast forward a year and here we are. Apparently she is either still angry with me that she had to stop yelling at me or she has some new vendetta. Knowing her as I do, last year is probably forgotten and this is just an outpouring of her inner bitterness and an emptying of her cancerous soul. But that's just a guess. Or she may just want to stir up crap. How stupid.

This would not be so bad if I didn't have another visitor in my office last week. Last week someone else came to me to unburden themselves. I will call him Whiner Man. Now Whiner Man wanted to let me know that he had been talking about me behind my back, but that he wanted to ask my forgiveness. Wow. I know how this works. I will probably even forgive him. However this is what I said... something to the effect that "it was none of my business what he thought of me and if he was talking about me behind my back, that is really between him and God... that what he did speaks more about his character, or lack thereof, than anything he said about me." Or something like that.

I am just so sick of people not simply standing up and saying, "I'm not perfect... in fact sometimes I'm an idiot!". Life is so much simpler when you just cop to your own failings and MOVE ON. I strongly dislike this 'jockeying for position' thing that goes on... all so that someone can feel alright about themselves. Have some pride in how God made you! It is enough! You don't have to be anymore than you already are! I know God just loves me to death ... literally. He is probably up there shaking His head quite frequently at my mishaps, but He loves me to no end. I don't understand why other people, then, have to struggle against one another. It is such a time-suck.

Anyhow, that is enough of my rant. I haven't quite decided what to do about either, but I know that this whole thing will be interesting regardless.

Love to you all out there, Muffinhound

I Love Signs

I need everyone to know that I love signs. Some of them totally tickle me. I have to have a picture. This one was at the crocodile display at the Sydney Wildlife Park in Cockle Bay. My friends and I were walking around enjoying all the exhibits. Then we come to the Crocodile Exhibit. It is on the ground level with a high glass wall around it. I don't know if the wall was actually glass or not, but I don't think that it matters for our purposes.

Then I lopk to my right and what do I behold? A stairway that goes up to a balcony over the exhibit. Well, I'd been walking the entire time in Sydney, what was another flight of stairs? So off I go. Up, up, up. I'm looking down and trying to figure out the best place to see the croc. Then I see a group of people trying to stand all at the same length of wall. I figure, hey, that's where he must be. Thank you Captain Obvious.

So when everyone clears out, I look down. Sure the crocodile is there, but so is this great sign. I especially love the crocodile's open mouth. I'm sure that if I were falling that I would strike the perfect mosh pit pose. Yeah, I'd be trying to fly. Or to ride it. That could be cool.

I also wanted to include this one. This one is my friend being very creative with her camera angle so that you know exactly "what you are getting into".

I think he is actually waiting.

Love to you all out there,

Muffinhound

The Game Begins

Okay... since I am making this a game, I might as well go all out. My name is now Muffinhound. Maybe it is because I am on a diet and am no longer able to eat them. Maybe it is because I can sniff out muffins over a football field away. Or maybe it is some completely random (and fairly stupid) name that I have chosen.

I think that it is the latter. Duh.

I just want to be able to say what I mean without people stepping in, telling me that I'm not supposed to do that. I want to give full vent to my feelings sometimes so that I don't feel like I'm going to vomit hatred on some unsuspecting bystander. That would really suck. Might be entertaining for a moment, but it would still suck. Especially when they realize that I am so flipping short that they suddenly think that they can take me down until they discover the full force of my rage. Wow! Where did that come from???

And that right there is the reason for this blog. There are times when I honestly feel stifled by the life that I've chosen. I don't want to ask myself what if, but I find myself doing it anyway. This is the place where I can be all of the things that I may not be able to be out in the real world.

I can be daring here. I can say things that you might raise your eyebrow at, but wouldn't freak over like others in my life might. You are just some nice, anonymous reader. I get freedom from sharing with others. I then feel like I can control the random urge to run away and be a belly dancer in Greece. Gosh, would that be amazing? At this point, I would gladly tattoo my whole body and at least pierce my eyebrow, but that will never happen. Trust me, it just won't. So I'll settle for a few lines (written ones) and, hopefully, a few of your comments.

So maybe I can gain hope and inspiration from this place. And have another outlet to express myself.

Love to you all out there, Muffinhound

'Cuz that's how I roll

Look, I'm not 'gangsta'... in fact, if you saw me, you would truly laugh at me saying that. I am about as white as they come. The reason I want to talk about this phrase is it is a great response to somebody else's stupidity.

If someone comes up to you and is complaining about your behavior, or why you do something, you can simply look at them and say... ' cuz that's how I roll'.

I can get offended when people approach me in a judgmental way. I think that responding in this manner keeps my sense of humor involved. After all, a stupid question deserves a stupid answer. This way I laugh instead of telling someone that my life is none of their business.

I never ask a personal question of someone that seems closed. I know that as a pastor's wife people might feel compelled to tell me an answer. One of the most beautiful pieces of information that I have learned as an has been that just because someone asks a question does not mean that they are entitled to an answer. Seems simple, but this one took awhile. As a result, I really have to pay attention to how someone seems to be wired when I am talking to them. I figure that if people really wanted me to know something that they would tell me.

There are always exceptions to the rule. If I see someone that is not acting like they normally do, I think that it would be a reasonable question. You can normally tell how someone asks, "How are you", if they want the typical generic response or something more involved. If I think that someone that I care about is truly hurting, I will slip in there. However, this implies a relationship: If I do not have one with the person, I will not even go there.

I think we tend to covet our space, both physical and emotional. We want to sulk alone if that is our choice, or share with those of our choosing. I do wish that we could all be a little more circumspect, myself included, about which lines we choose to cross. It would make life less complicated.

Love to you all out there, (Cuz that's how I roll) Muffinhound (my name for today)

My wannabe near death experience

I just have to say it: I love the emergency room! I love waiting and hearing everyone complain. Of course their little boy with a bruise should have been seen before the elderly lady that couldn't breathe! What was the triage nurse thinking? I love hearing people muttering at me because I was called back for blood work. "What's wrong with her? I feel sicker than she looks!"

I think people's selfishness is best (or worst) seen in an ER. I just shut my mouth and keep to myself. I wait patiently and go when I am called. To be perfectly candid, If I didn't I would be griping like the rest of them. Personally, I think that it is extremely rude and unattractive to complain like that so I would rather not do it.

So I waited like a good little girl and tried to read my book. Then I went back for tests and more tests. All to find out that something is wrong with my liver and they don't know what. Great. I love that, too. But I actually enjoy medical procedures. (You might as well if they are going to do them anyway) Since I am allergic to iodine in the bloodstream (for x-rays) I get to do some super fun nuclear medicine tests, as well as the run of the mill blood draws, x-rays, and the odd EKG. Sweet. Good to know that I don't have a blood clot, that my lungs look great (phew), and that my ticker is working just fine. But drat that liver!!!

So I am in pain. I can't take Tylenol (won't... maybe it's stupid, but I'm not pushing it right now) and I can't take Ibuprofen because of kidney stuff. So I'm keeping to myself for now so I don't turn foul on the first person that irks me. I think that it's a good game plan.

Beauty of it is that I slept half the day away to make up for the missed sleep last night. I love sleeping during the day... something completely lazy and decadent about lounging in bed at 2PM. Makes me feel wealthy... like the maid is just about to show up... and I can almost smell the dinner that my imaginary chef is whipping up in my gourmet kitchen. I have figured out that God does not want me to be rich because I would spend it on useless, needless things.

But I digress. So here I am in front of my computer unable to take a deep breath because I still hurt. Not a big deal... when I decide not to wuss about something, I have a high tolerance for pain. I didn't cry when my children were born or when I broke my leg. Felt like it... didn't do it. I'd rather make fun of how pathetic I am right now. I feel so tender that I'm walking like an old lady. And a mean one at that.

I'm hoping that it all just goes away and that it was some freak thing. I doubt it, but it's all good anyway.

Love (yeah, still love) to you all out there, Muffinhound

About that....

About the picture at the right: I am not a stalker. If you don't know who Joel Houston is, here goes... he is the lead singer/songwriter for a Christian Praise group called Hillsong United. Their target is mainly youth. They come out of Hillsong Church in Sydney. Hillsong church has birthed many beautiful worship songs like "Shout to the Lord", "I give You my heart", "Mighty to save", etc.

One of the highlights of my recent trip to Australia was church on Sunday. We could not actually get to Hillsong's main campus as it was too far away from where we were staying. We decided to go to their City Campus. We hopped on a bus and it took us right to the church's door.

We get inside the sanctuary of the church and I'm just looking around, checking things out. All of a sudden I elbowed my friend, "No flipping way! It's Joel Houston!!!" My friend, however was not completely convinced at first. "I'm serious! It's Joel Houston. Let's get a picture." She does the talking. While I feel fairly free writing about things, when it comes to talking to famous people I can't do it. (I met the lead singer of The Clash, Mick Jones, and I completely froze with thoughts of 'we're not worthy' running through my head) Anyhow, we asked Joel Houston if he would take a picture with us and he graciously agreed.

If you are wondering what happened to my friend... well let's just say that she was ruthlessly attacked by wild kangaroos and wallabies before the shot was taken! In truth, I just cropped it because I thought that it was a good picture of me (and Joel Houston of course)! Hey, I'm nothing if not real!~!

Love to you all out there, Muffinhound

There's no excuse for abuse!

I went to Australia recently and this was a sign that I saw while I was there. I was surprised by it because, as a rule, I don't normally see people randomly spitting on other people. For one thing, you can actually go to jail for it... it's considered assault. I just kind of laughed that they would put that on a sign and I wondered why.

I found out a few nights later when I missed the express train to get to my stop. Instead of 3 stops to get home, the train I did make would have to stop at least 12 times. No big deal to me, I was just happy that there was another option.

Well a lady nearby, who had also missed the train and had probably had too much to drink, says out loud, 'yah poofter... I'm going to spit on him!" And then she did as the train rolled by!

I was offended and sickened by it, yes, but for some reason I could not stop laughing. I had never seen anything like that before and then I go to Australia and .... boom.... something ugly. Apart from that one episode, Australia was so wonderful that I did not want to return. It was weird to miss the 4th of July, but I wore red,white, and blue to commemorate. S'all good.

Love to you all out there, Muffinhound

Choosing Worship

I'm sitting here in a very weird place emotionally. Part of me feels like I am on a cloud. I'm hearing these beautiful words- "I have nothing more... than all You offer me... There is nothing else that's of worth to me! I love You, Lord... You rescued me... You are all that I want... You're all I need" But here is my favorite part "In Your freedom I will live. In Your freedom I will live. I offer devotion. I offer devotion."

How perfectly simple. I have the faith of a child. I am not going to sit down and try and pick it apart. He is who He says He is. I have seen what He can do in so many areas of my life. I am more than happy to share if someone wants to know. I had to explain to my parents why I put them off at times for the sake of what I do at church or the mission. I told them that I know that I will have forever to celebrate with them in Heaven... right now I need to be concerned with those that may not go there! I don't think that they ever thought of it like that.

"Unfailing love... stronger than mountains... deeper than oceans... reaches to me" God's love reaches a part of me that was wounded so grievously that there was no possible remedy. A part in all of us. You may not agree and that's okay and I am not here to argue. I know that I used this example a long time ago in a blog, but I'll use it again. If I were given a gift that was perfect, something I wanted and needed, I would tell everyone about the gift and the one who gave it to me. That is what this is.

I was talking to my daughter tonight. She just got back from Mexico. She helped to build a house for a little family in Juarez. I asked how it all made her feel and she told me that she felt sad. I asked why and she told me that she was sad that anyone would have to live the way that the family had to before. She felt like she was a part of God's plan... something special to help those in the world that needed it. She wants to make a difference and this week she got to.

Normally belief is followed with action. What will my action be? I had to explain to my daughter that overwhelming fear has paralyzed me in the past from doing what I was supposed to for the Lord. There is no shame in that for me... I had things to learn. "In Your freedom I will live... I offer devotion". And I am free.

Now how does this play out at church and the mission? Well, the mission is easy. I am surrounded with people in desperate need to see me being myself and loving the Lord. They need to see that the Lord wants to work with them as they are; that what they are truly is enough. Oh, do I love encouraging them! I know that I am right where the Lord wants me to be.
Ahhh, the church. "The church, you see, is not peripheral to the world; the world is peripheral to the church. The church is Christ's body, in which he speaks and acts, by which he fills everything with his presence." Ephesians 1: 23 (Message)

"I know You gave the world Your only Son for us to know Your Name to live within the Savior's love and You took my place knowing He'd be crucified and You loved... and You loved a people undeserving" This moves me to praise. I want to raise my hands in His presence even now. The Bible says that He inhabits the praises of His people. He amazes me every day. It is like rain in the summer... okay I'm from California so it doesn't happen often. One time I was driving from San Jose to San Carlos (just past Redwood City on the way to San Francisco) and it started to rain... not only that, but I looked to the right of me on the freeway (280) and on the beautiful, rolling hills were men and women dressed up for an English hunt! With the rain and that wild scene it was like some surreal moment where my little romantic heart met with some bizarre reality... but it was real.

Not that worship is like a twilight zone moment, but it almost transcends everything around and allows you to forget every worry, every care. Again... amazing. "And You saw me when You took a crown of thorn and Your blood washed over me and You loved me through the nails that You bore and Your blood washes over me"

Why blood? The Old Testament talked about the sacrifices made to God. For Everything. Hebrews 9:22 says that without the shedding of blood there is no remission of sin. wow that is a lot of Christian lingo in one sentence... probably because it is from the King James Bible. Not a bad version. Not always easily readable for a regular girl like me! Hebrew 9:22 in the message says "Practically everything in a will hinges on a death. That's why blood, the evidence of death, is used so much in our tradition, especially regarding forgiveness of sins." A little more simply put. That explains a little about why we talk about blood... but that was a huge bunny trail!
"Heal my heart and make it clean... open up my eyes to the things unseen... show me how to love like You have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks Your. Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause as I walk from Earth into eternity." .... "I want a faith like that... to see the dead rise... or see You pass by... I want a faith like that... whatever the cost... I'll suffer the loss... I want a faith like that". I think that says where I am personally.

But, ahhh, the church. How can I say anything that would even be remotely critical? I don't feel anything is wrong with our church. It is a group of people that really love the Lord. The only thing that is occasionally difficult is the lack of physical demonstration during the music. Someone asked the choir that I was in several years ago, "If your hands are down, what is holding them there?" I had to think about that. I didn't raise my hands in church because I did not get along with my mother and we went to the same church. We fought frequently and I did not want her to think that I was a hypocrite. That was crazy! We are all hypocrites! None of us live up to the standards that we set for ourselves, hard as we may try. I ended up talking about this with my mother at one point and she told me that she wished I had raised my hands!

What does raising my hands mean? Well, to me, it is the physical act of offering myself to God as well as my praise. There is no use for me to be a Christian if my life does not scream His love and grace to everyone that I come in contact with. I can't do that all of the time because, hey, I still suck! But, in the power of the Holy Spirit, I can do so much! My life is my offering. My heart is the strength behind it... Jesus lives there. I can do this life with Him. I don't feel empty when I am running after Jesus. (Does anyone hear "You complete me"? or am I the only freak out there?) Why would I keep my hands at my side? I am overwhelmed with joy... something not dependent on my circumstances, but solely on my Savior. He is arresting beauty; He stops me in my tracks and all I can do is cry. "And You loved a people undeserving" Again, amazing. I don't have to sing a word to feel wrapped in His love. Nothing that happens to or around me can change His love.

I have had experiences in my personal worship where I felt myself asking God to stop because I was overwhelmed by His love. I could feel the depth of it... and the passion of it. How can I remain unchanged? I can't. I want that moment with my church. I want those things with my brothers and sisters in Christ. I want them to feel that moment and not give a rip that tears are flowing and their boss is across the aisle and the neighbor that might never be nice is visiting and they have to put lunch on as soon as they get home and there are bills that aren't paid. Etc. I love when I have gotten alone with God in a group. I like it better when I get to cart others along.

Wow this was a long one! I guess I really am in a weird place. A wonderful place of worship... and a scary place not knowing what is next in church. That is the toughest one for me right now. I keep trying to figure out what I am holding back. Is it my fault that they don't feel the same way that I do when I'm leading worship? No... they react the same when others lead. Ahhh, it's not mine to deal with. God will have to work it out. I can't let it bring me down or change what I need to do. I need to go out there prepared to worship and hope that they are prepared as well. We'll see how it goes.

Love to you all out there, Muffinhound