Spiritual Spankings

I just got my spiritual butt chewed big time. Some things that you read or hear just hit you and you can't help but say "ouch". Since I am hard headed and stubborn, I have been taken out to the spiritual woodshed for a spanking any number of times. This just cut me... so I share.

It starts with this question "If Jesus was all you had, would Jesus be enough for you?" Some many times I am disillusioned and disappointed in people or events. When they do not act the way that I think they should, or even the way that they say that they will, I get upset. Some people may think that would be understandable. But as a Christian, it really should be evident that I am one! I have a saying... you can't expect non-Christians to act like Christians, you can't expect baby Christians to act like mature Christians, and you can't expect mature Christians to be perfect. I know that it sounds annoyingly exclusive. Truth be told, I have met many non-Christians that are far more loving and generous than Christians that have walked with the Lord forever... including myself. Ouch to that. I want to love others so that people see that there is something different about me.

Okay, next item... "Many precious believers are in love with the things of the Lord, but they are not in love with the Lord Himself." Awww man. There are many times that I want to feel near to the Lord rather than be near to Him. The thing about being near to God is that you will always come away changed. Sometimes I would rather remain the same. Guilty again.

A little more..."Even with praise and worship it is possible to sing "about" Jesus and not truly worship Jesus. With preaching and teaching it is possible to talk "about" Jesus and not truly meet Jesus in what is shared. In prayer it is possible to talk "about" our needs and never actually commune with Jesus Himself." I could say a big, fat 'duh' here, but that would be rude. I have experienced this both as a worshipper and a worship leader. It is unpleasant from both angles. When you are leading, but not worshipping, it feels completely hollow. When you are leading and worshipping, but the ones that you are leading are not, it feels empty as well... almost like I failed in my job. I don't like feeling like a failure. (who does) However, it is everyone's responsibility to come prepared to love the Lord on Sunday... it is not my job to make that happen for someone else. It still stinks though.

"I have learned that stress, strife, disillusionment, dissatisfaction, bitterness, anger, hurt, misunderstanding, and confusion comes from everything said and done by religious people ABOUT the Lord, and IN THE NAME of the Lord, that does not, in fact, have anything to do with Jesus Himself." Whoa! Too true! That is honestly why I don't say anything to anyone unless I'm sure that I am supposed to... unless I'm so sad or angry that I'm not thinking straight... I did that one recently... boy, did I blow it! There are a whole lot nicer ways to express what I expressed in a nasty way. I have to be a little more circumspect next time I discuss something.

"How much of your focus is directed to the things of God, and not to God Himself? How much of your discussion centers on things about Jesus, and not Jesus Himself? Just look around. This brother is focused on end-time events, and that sister is devoted to inner healing. This brother is primarily concerned with prophetic things, while another sister is keenly interested in spiritual warfare. That brother is deeply involved with theological discussions, while that sister is in love with Christian music. One movement emphasizes this particular thing, and another group stands for another thing." Caught me! ouch!

This statement is so true that it hurts me desperately. "Many things compete for our time, attention, affection, energy, and money. But there is only one Lord Jesus. Just as some people cannot see the forest for the trees, I believe most sinners cannot see Jesus for the Christians. And I believe most Christians cannot see Jesus for the "church". Is Jesus enough?" Wow.

Here is the authors biblical solution. "Mark 3:14:
"And he ordained twelve, that they should BE WITH HIM, and that He might send them forth to preach."
You are called to be with Jesus. That is your calling. That is the primary thing, the highest ministry. Going forth to preach or do anything else is of secondary importance. We should be with Jesus; after that, He might send us forth to preach. But before Jesus said, "Go into all the world" He said, 'Be with Me.'"

The times in my life where I feel truly satisfied are when I was drawing near to God in a very real way. When I was immersed in knowing Him better, nothing else mattered. I didn't feel like I had to escape or run away... I was happy and serene with it. It was... well... cool. I live for moments like that.

"The call of the Lord is not more important than the Lord of the call." Deep, dude.

"If Jesus was all you had, would Jesus be enough for you? Or do you have to have all the "trappings" of Christianity, all the bells and whistles, all the toys and trinkets? Make no mistake: there is no life in the things that are ABOUT Jesus. There is life only in Jesus Himself." How often do I want things to look okay rather than be okay? Alright, most of the time I really would rather things be okay, but sometimes I just want the appearances because the interior jobs take so much work.

What this gentleman is saying is exactly what I needed to hear. "May I speak candidly? If you are dissatisfied and disappointed with your Christian walk today, it is only because of one thing: Jesus is not enough for you. Somewhere along the line, something else became more important than Jesus. Maybe you have become focused on the things ABOUT Jesus that are NOT Jesus. There is only one solution. You do not need more of the Lord, because He has already given Himself completely to you already. You just need less of everything else." Why do I need anything else when I have Jesus?

And here is the big finale.
"Remember.

Remember what it was like to hear His Voice, to be so filled with passion and love for Him, that you wanted nothing more than to sit at His feet, and hear His Word. Remember when you were so infatuated with Him that you did not want to do anything else. Remember what it was like to just be with Jesus. Go back to when Jesus first called you to be with Him. Go back to the time when all you had was Him. Go back to the time before you were planting churches, speaking prophetic words, preaching to the unsaved, pastoring the congregation, teaching the people, or leading worship. Go back to the time when there was no work, no ministry, no vision, no special calling - except Jesus calling you to be with Him. Remember when you said, "He's all I need!"

So what happened?

I pray the Lord will draw us after Himself and make us thoroughly sick and tired of things - especially the things that are ABOUT Him, but are NOT Him.

God so loved the world that He gave His Only Son, Jesus.

Well... is Jesus enough?"

I don't think that I need to say too much more... other than this is where you can find Chip Brogden's original article... http://www.livingcovenant.com/MiscArticles/Watchman%20Articles/IsJesusEnough.htm

Love to you all out there, Muffinhound

What's New

Other than the general restlessness that has invaded my life recently, there have been some super-cool things going on. With the intent to convince everyone that I am not a negative person, I would like to share those things.

First, I quit smoking. Yes, it smells good right about now, but I'm not smoking anymore. AND I haven't gained weight. Woohoo! This may not seem like much to you non-addictive types, but it is a big deal to me; I had been smoking off and on since I was about 15... twenty years!

I had another irritating (and painful) habit that I quit recently. I used to pick at my cuticles. They were always dry and rough so I would pick at them. (I am so glad that I never used meth... I could not imagine how messed up I would have looked) I finally stopped. They are completely healed. I even went so far as to get nails last night. I feel so pretty and feminine. That is not a normal state for me so I will enjoy it while I can.

My family is taking it's first let's-go-somewhere-other-than-Disneyland vacation ever. It is only over a weekend and it is to.... Legoland. Not a whole lot of difference, I know, but the children are excited. Well, we did not know exactly how this trip was getting paid for... we rarely have any extra money. (The nail thing was a complete fluke... we are just doing really okay financially) Still, this trip was a little more than we had to comfortably spare. Well, I came home from work yesterday and my husband told me that we had an unexpected visitor. Curious, I asked who... my husband hands me a pretty card. Someone from our church, who will remain nameless, just felt like they needed to give us $250! I trip out on stuff like that. God has taken care of my needs, but He also takes care of my wants. (I'm thinking that the spiritual refreshing that I got in Australia was a need and that time together having fun with my children is a need as well.) Anyway, we now have enough to go to Legoland. Yippee!

The last thing on my long list of blessings is we were given a car. Our purple mini-van that I drive has been acting up for some time. It overheats regularly. It has fuse issues... the wipers will just randomly turn on when the engine starts... or when I turn right... fun stuff like that. My husband's mom and dad had a Toyota Camry that belonged to his grandmother. At first they were going to sell it, but they later decided that they would give it to us. We would have paid the price that they were asking: It was really reasonable. However, they just gave it to us. I am so excited! It is black (the pain job needs some work) and has a grey leather interior. It has a moon roof. I am so pleased. It is going to be my car. Hubby still gets the pimped out mini-van. Oh and here is something freakishly weird... someone approached my husband and asked him if they could buy our junk van! My husband told them that it didn't run so hot all of the time, but the guy said that he would take it. How cool is that?!!!

So the outside stuff seems to be coming together. I am happy about that, really. It looks like we might even be able to buy a home within the next year and a half... without any credit card debt behind us. I'm thrilled about that one. I just wish all the inside garbage was going as swimmingly. I wish it were as effortless as the rest of my life. Hey! I actually said that I wish life were easier??? What a doof... I know that it is going to stink sometimes. This all sounds like a personal problem to me.

Love to you all out there, Muffinhound

Time for Travel

I was hanging out with a friend discussing things that we would love to do if we had unlimited funds and time. What we ended up deciding was that we would probably take a world cruise. We are not talking about just going for a week... we are talking about the cruises that are three to four months long.

I want to overwhelm my senses with how other people live. I want to see things that were built more than two thousand years ago. I want to take pictures of churches, pyramids, markets, waterways, everything! I want to saturate myself in things that I don't see every day.

I would want to buy wacky, one of a kind jewelry in every city. When I was in Australia, my friend Emilee was asked where she purchased her earrings. She, the world traveller, had to tell them, oops... sorry, I got them in Belgium. In Belgium! How random is that?

Not that I'd want to brag about it if I got to go. No, I noticed after I got home from Australia that I felt calmer in general; that I knew that not all places were like home. I was actually reassured by this. I just wanted to watch people and soak up what makes a country the way it is.

I think that is truly the heart of travel. Okay, I love architecture and I really think that it is art, but that doesn't necessarily dictate how the people are. I love seeing the weird idiosyncratic things that make up a people. I love the differences.. they are so interesting. I don't want to hang out with people that are just like me, I want to get to know people that are different.

I found so many things in other cultures interesting. My sister-in-law is from Japan and she explained that when someone dies, they are only cremated to the point that the bones are still there. Then a family keeps the bones in their home. Wild! A) I didn't even know that a procedure like that was possible... what lengths did they go to to discover that? and B) other cultures' burial practices say many things about that culture. This practice shows that they revere their family, venerate them. I thought that it might not be my cup of tea, but I am glad for them.

See, that is what I want to learn. I want to get to know an area. Okay, maybe a whirlwind, around the world cruise won't be enough. Maybe I'm going to have to consider starting to travel for weeks at a time to one individual place. I just know that I want to travel more. I don't ever want to stop learning... ever.

Love to you all out there, Muffinhound

My Shiny

The purpose of this blog is to explain a certain word. The word is "Shiny".

I have a problem with being easily distracted. I can be right in the middle of a conversation and if I hear someone talking about something else that is interesting, and I actually know them, I will drop my conversation and join the other. I am aware that I do this quite frequently and I make fun of myself often. Right before I switch to the other conversation I will say, "oooh, shiny". People that know me well just laugh and know that I will doggedly return to their conversation in a moment. I really am not intentionally rude, but I guess it can come off that way. Most people just laugh at me. I really don't mind.

The other definition is best described by talking about a friend of mine. (Now I've done it) My friend has this guy that she likes... sometimes she's not entirely sure why, except that he is really good looking. Hey, it is what it is. He is smart, too, but I think she downplays that so we won't all know how much she really likes him. Can you believe that we are all in our thirties??? Anyhow, when he comes to say hi she sighs and says, "hmmm, shiny". She has even referred to him as 'her shiny'. I think that is funny.

If I were to call a person shiny it would probably be because they were losing their hair. I know, I'm weird. I just have so much fun with the people that I hang out with. They 'get me' more than others in my life do. I can be my wackiest, bizarre self and no one has a cow. They do not mind that I am easily distracted and often forget my thought in the middle of my sentence. (This would be why I write... I have proof of where I was headed with thoughts) I don't really know what they think of me other than they enjoy laughing with me... or was it at me? I think that it is both because they also talk to me about serious stuff, too.

Either way, I love hanging out with them, too. Shiny.

Love to you all out there, Muffinhound

My favorite poem

When You are Old
When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;
How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;
And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.
--W. B. Yeats

I'm in a little romantic frame of mind this morning. I just thought that I would share this with you. It is my absolute favorite poem ever. I think that there is something so profound in marrying the right words together. 'Moments of glad grace' and 'pilgrim soul' just strike something within me. Together, the whole thing is achingly beautiful. I think I'll let it speak for itself.

Love to you all out there, Muffinhound

The truth of the matter is...

I have to get this out. I want everyone to know how human I am.

I think I can trace every major difficulty that I have ever had back to a desperate need to control. Not a shocker, most people have this issue to some extent. The only reason that I bring this up is I have realized that I am starting to take my actions to extremes again. This is not a good thing for me.

I think the main reason for my extremely addictive personality is that control thing. I joke all of the time about being a perfectionist, or being the diva, but I really am serious. This is something that I struggle with, not because I am better than anybody, but because I want everything just so.

I find some of my old habits very tempting. No, I don't want to drink again... that would be disastrous. I don't relish dreams of becoming a stoner again. At thirty-five that seems both pointless and lame. No, I've moved on to bigger and better addictions. Those stupid prescription pills... can't do that anymore... it landed me in the hospital... I felt good about this one because I was taking my own meds without going to scary lengths to get them. Surprising what little justifications we present in order to do what we do.

No, the main things that I want to do now are smoke (It smells so good again) and starve myself. Maybe even exercise compulsively... I'm pretty good at that one. I'm just having such a hard time right now for no apparent reason. Last summer was a full fledged nightmare for me. It really hasn't gotten much better... just busier. I have thrown myself into various activities and nothing has really healed all that I felt.

Now understand that I know that feelings aren't fact. I know that I do not have to act on them. I can suck it up and go on okay. Typically, I am not a depressed person. That still holds. Right now, however, my life looks bleak again. I am seriously bummed that things look so sucky in many areas of my life. I am doing all that I feel led to do and more, but nothing seems to change. I have to decide if I can stand my life this way even if it never changes. Some days the answer is yes and some days it is no.

So what I do when I am unable to make a difficult decision? I retreat into a world where I am controlling little facets of my life... and they normally end up hurting me. My recent hospital visit is a great example. Not that I want anything to go wrong, I still want things to be okay. I just can't make them be okay alone.

I've even had yelling-crying bouts with God before about some of this. Why? Why? Why? I don't even get some of this. I do understand that my character is being built up in this process. I am stronger than ever before in some ways, but I am still having a difficult time dealing with some things. I am not angry with anyone, I just feel fairly alone in this. No one can tell me what will make things right. How do you become content with situations that are stinky? Stinky in my case seems to be monotonous, boring, seemingly without purpose, without value, and staid. Some days I feel like grabbing my hair and pulling and screaming at the same time.

If this seems nebulous and vague, it is! Some days I can't even put a finger on the problem. Some days everything seems clear. One thing is certain: If Jesus were to come to get me today, I'd be fine with that. Don't mistake me... I don't want to die... I happen to like living, even enjoy it. I just get sick of feeling like I am on the edge of something cool and then nothing ever happens. Shoot... right now I would settle for a new baby, but that would not make anything better. (The rest of my children would be thrilled, however)

I guess I am going to have to suck it up for the time being. I'm not meaning to be dramatic, but I feel like I am dying little by little every day. This life I am in is killing me. I think that I need random and frequent vacations, but those are only a band aid. They are not going to solve anything for the long term. I guess I am going to have to have another get together with God over this garbage. I think that I need to figure out how to get grateful again. We'll see.

Love to you all out there, Muffinhound

Cybersitter stinks

Drat that stupid program. Since my work environment is very cautious about what is viewed online, we have lots and lots of restrictions. How many of you went to Sunday School as a child? Can you hear the song "Oh be careful little eyes what you see. Oh be careful little eyes what you see. for the Father up above, He is looking down with love. So be careful little eyes what you see." And so on and so forth.

It makes sense. I work in a place where it is not unusual to come in contact with sex offenders and others that have sexual dysfunction. I guess, as a women, that I feel reassured that they can't view anything that might... ummm.... well, that might. At least the obvious things.

Can you believe that I have never felt afraid? The entire time that I have worked at this place I have always felt comfortable and safe. I heard a statistic that one of the populations that we rarely look in the eye is homeless men. When I heard that I realized that it was truth for me. I started talking to them. Now some of them are odd birds that really want to push me. I have had one tell me that he loved me... that was awkward. I think I actually said, "ew". Not being mean, just letting him know that it wasn't an appropriate comment. I'm sure he'll never say that again. Thank you, Jesus.

But I have to tell you- I love these people. I don't understand why. I just do. I think it is because these people matter to God even when they don't matter to anyone else. The ones that have been through tragedy or are coming out of addiction simply break my heart. Some of the things that they have suffered were of their own making, but does that make them any less painful? I think, from my own experience, that causing your own pain makes things worse. Then you not only hurt, but have wounded your pride severely as well.

I may not always love my job. I may not always love my co-workers. However, I love the men and women that I work with. I can't even imagine living how some of them have had to live. Somehow they still have so much hope in them. I find them inspirational and amazing.

I'm such a sap.

Love to you all out there, Muffinhound

Arrrggghhh

I'm listening to 'angry' Christian music today... well, as angry as Christian music gets.

You see, I am extremely ticked today. Yes, I said 'ticked '. Originally, I said something else that was kind of like a bathroom function or a British word for drunk, but the Cybersitter on my work computer wouldn't let me. For those of you that will read this and don't know me, understand that I am the biggest underachiever on the planet. I am so afraid of failure that I truly never try. I keep getting promoted anyway. I don't quite get that, but whatever. Oh, I do my job and whatever is in front of me, but someone has to put it there. Right now my life has been pretty well structured that I always know what I have to do next. I like that more than I thought I would.

So enter my nemesis... I'll call her Captain Brown-nose. (Originally I called her a name that meant she was completely bunchy in her under garment region, but... well same as above) Captain Brown-nose is a department head. Ooooo... that makes her sooo special. Suffice it to say that she is higher on the food chain than I am, but, remember, I don't truly care because I don't want to fail. That said, Captain wad has been trying to get me in trouble. She has been investigating my work.... have I done it? how well have I done it? and so on and so forth. She is not my department head. You needed to know that.

Not only has she been checking on me... she has been lying about it! She told my boss that people came to her to tell her all of my nefarious deeds. Noooo, she called them into her office. My boss, who is super sweet and totally non-confrontational, just wants me to let it blow over. All I can say is that inside I am screaming "Let me at her!"

I think that you need more history before you decide that Senora Brown-nose should be skewered. Last Summer, Senora Brown-nose was my boss. Yikes! was that rough! She used to yell at her employees for no reason. Even when she messed up, we would be blamed for it. I adopted an attitude that said "no matter what, you must be right". That was a tough one, but I did it. And she still kept yelling. Personally, I won't yell at someone unless I'm married to them, gave birth to them, are related to them, or I really think that they suck. So I was shocked that she would yell. A lot. So I decided, after very little forethought on my part, that I would ask her to stop. I think some of the words that crossed my lips where things like "please stop treating me like your red headed step child" and things of that nature.

She really wanted to fire me, but the big boss likes how I sing so she wasn't allowed. Fast forward a year and here we are. Apparently she is either still angry with me that she had to stop yelling at me or she has some new vendetta. Knowing her as I do, last year is probably forgotten and this is just an outpouring of her inner bitterness and an emptying of her cancerous soul. But that's just a guess. Or she may just want to stir up crap. How stupid.

This would not be so bad if I didn't have another visitor in my office last week. Last week someone else came to me to unburden themselves. I will call him Whiner Man. Now Whiner Man wanted to let me know that he had been talking about me behind my back, but that he wanted to ask my forgiveness. Wow. I know how this works. I will probably even forgive him. However this is what I said... something to the effect that "it was none of my business what he thought of me and if he was talking about me behind my back, that is really between him and God... that what he did speaks more about his character, or lack thereof, than anything he said about me." Or something like that.

I am just so sick of people not simply standing up and saying, "I'm not perfect... in fact sometimes I'm an idiot!". Life is so much simpler when you just cop to your own failings and MOVE ON. I strongly dislike this 'jockeying for position' thing that goes on... all so that someone can feel alright about themselves. Have some pride in how God made you! It is enough! You don't have to be anymore than you already are! I know God just loves me to death ... literally. He is probably up there shaking His head quite frequently at my mishaps, but He loves me to no end. I don't understand why other people, then, have to struggle against one another. It is such a time-suck.

Anyhow, that is enough of my rant. I haven't quite decided what to do about either, but I know that this whole thing will be interesting regardless.

Love to you all out there, Muffinhound

I Love Signs

I need everyone to know that I love signs. Some of them totally tickle me. I have to have a picture. This one was at the crocodile display at the Sydney Wildlife Park in Cockle Bay. My friends and I were walking around enjoying all the exhibits. Then we come to the Crocodile Exhibit. It is on the ground level with a high glass wall around it. I don't know if the wall was actually glass or not, but I don't think that it matters for our purposes.

Then I lopk to my right and what do I behold? A stairway that goes up to a balcony over the exhibit. Well, I'd been walking the entire time in Sydney, what was another flight of stairs? So off I go. Up, up, up. I'm looking down and trying to figure out the best place to see the croc. Then I see a group of people trying to stand all at the same length of wall. I figure, hey, that's where he must be. Thank you Captain Obvious.

So when everyone clears out, I look down. Sure the crocodile is there, but so is this great sign. I especially love the crocodile's open mouth. I'm sure that if I were falling that I would strike the perfect mosh pit pose. Yeah, I'd be trying to fly. Or to ride it. That could be cool.

I also wanted to include this one. This one is my friend being very creative with her camera angle so that you know exactly "what you are getting into".

I think he is actually waiting.

Love to you all out there,

Muffinhound