If you can't tell, I have my dramatic moments. Yeah.
Honestly, I don't think that I can help it. I tend to feel certain things deeply. And for all the drama, I am still playful and enjoy having a good time. I like dragging others along with me as well. I still have a huge amount of energy and I am not against a road trip that begins at two in the morning after staying up all night.
OH... I'm a freak for 80's music... alternative and regular rock... not so much the pop. With all the current boy hairdos I constantly hear a Flock of Seagulls "And I ran". I have a hard time not laughing at the local emo boys and their skinny jeans. My friend Jeff looked better in them. AND he had this beautiful, naturally black hair that went halfway down his back. I remember that he used to put it in a ponytail when he was getting ready to fight. Yeah, good times.
I think that this wave of nostalgia comes from someone from my junior high finding me on one of the networking sites. I guess that he graduated from USC and now has some thriving career in something like finance. Go Brett! How trippy... I remember a party at his house with everyone swimming and chasing each other around his huge back yard. How fun it is to see where he is now. I am so glad that things are going well.
I have been feeling so angst-y. I feel at loose ends. I know that I am not a child, but I am still youthful in my energy and appearance. I still want to have a blast and enjoy all of life that I can. I want to dance with my children for no reason. I want my husband to evoke the same response in me as he did when we were dating (yes, I know that I am responsible for some of this). I love feeling joy over life. I get that really high highs mean that I can also get really low lows. The lows are starting to seriously suck because the stakes are higher. Anyhow, I just want to grab all of life that I can.
I've got to stop letting disillusionment keep me from taking care of my business. Sometimes life does not look the way that I thought it might. I am bored. I guess that comes from running after excitement for such a long time. At this point, I don't think a whole lot will satisfy my appetite for adventure. I guess this would be a great time to learn contentment. That will be a nice uphill battle. Wow, I have my work cut out for me.
Again this is just a little random nothingness.
Love to you all out there, Muffinhound
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Inspiration in the broken
When I was living in Arizona, I saw one of the coolest art forms I had ever seen. It was not executed by painters, potters, sculptors, etc. It was done by regular homemakers that were tired of their block walls in their back yards.
What they did was buy tiles, mismatched china, dollar store plates, and any ceramic objects in bright colors that they could find. They made these amazing murals on their back fences. Wildlife scenes took shape, flower gardens that might otherwise be impossible grew, and people felt like they had found an oasis in the desert.
Right now there are so many things going on in my life. I feel broken right now. I feel like I stink at my job. I want to run away from my family. The work I do at church is overwhelming me. My husband is busy all of the time. My weight had been getting to me. I still desperately want to smoke. I don't have any friends in town. I don't get to talk to my friends that live elsewhere because I work full time. I could complain on and on... and that is what this list really is... one long complaint.
Right now I feel like one of those mismatched plates that has been broken up, but not used yet. I am in this limbo land. I don't know what is next. I know right now that things have been flaring up in my life that I had thought that I had conquered. There are things that I truly thought that I was past that have come up to bite me in the tail. I'm not thrilled.
What I think is happening is that I am that broken plate, but instead of allowing myself to be broken completely, about a quarter of me is jumping away from the artist and saying, "I'm not sure what you want will be okay... or that I'll still be beautiful if I am a part of a bigger picture rather than just being me." I have gotten caught in that trap again that I am so stinking important... more important than God and what He is willing to do with me.
Unfortunately, I think that there is more that I need to lose before I am broken enough to submit. I can sense my own hardened heart. I am so angry all over again. I'm irritated by the smallest things. It is a miserable existence, let me tell you. I liked it much better when I could just accept everyone the way that they were and love them because of it. That was true sweetness. I could see the value in everyone and no one was beneath me. How easy it is to think that one area of superiority (intellect, talent, looks, whatever) makes you completely superior. How lame and who cares anyway???
I have come to the conclusion that I suck. I don't like being in this place. I am going to be praying for the way out. I know it has to do with humility and transparency and I know that it will hurt all over again. Maybe I'll learn this time. One could hope. In the meantime, I will look forward to the time that I can be part of a big mural... instead of some useless dish clinging to the pieces that I have left.
Love to you all out there, Muffinhound
What they did was buy tiles, mismatched china, dollar store plates, and any ceramic objects in bright colors that they could find. They made these amazing murals on their back fences. Wildlife scenes took shape, flower gardens that might otherwise be impossible grew, and people felt like they had found an oasis in the desert.
Right now there are so many things going on in my life. I feel broken right now. I feel like I stink at my job. I want to run away from my family. The work I do at church is overwhelming me. My husband is busy all of the time. My weight had been getting to me. I still desperately want to smoke. I don't have any friends in town. I don't get to talk to my friends that live elsewhere because I work full time. I could complain on and on... and that is what this list really is... one long complaint.
Right now I feel like one of those mismatched plates that has been broken up, but not used yet. I am in this limbo land. I don't know what is next. I know right now that things have been flaring up in my life that I had thought that I had conquered. There are things that I truly thought that I was past that have come up to bite me in the tail. I'm not thrilled.
What I think is happening is that I am that broken plate, but instead of allowing myself to be broken completely, about a quarter of me is jumping away from the artist and saying, "I'm not sure what you want will be okay... or that I'll still be beautiful if I am a part of a bigger picture rather than just being me." I have gotten caught in that trap again that I am so stinking important... more important than God and what He is willing to do with me.
Unfortunately, I think that there is more that I need to lose before I am broken enough to submit. I can sense my own hardened heart. I am so angry all over again. I'm irritated by the smallest things. It is a miserable existence, let me tell you. I liked it much better when I could just accept everyone the way that they were and love them because of it. That was true sweetness. I could see the value in everyone and no one was beneath me. How easy it is to think that one area of superiority (intellect, talent, looks, whatever) makes you completely superior. How lame and who cares anyway???
I have come to the conclusion that I suck. I don't like being in this place. I am going to be praying for the way out. I know it has to do with humility and transparency and I know that it will hurt all over again. Maybe I'll learn this time. One could hope. In the meantime, I will look forward to the time that I can be part of a big mural... instead of some useless dish clinging to the pieces that I have left.
Love to you all out there, Muffinhound
Your momma wears combat boots
Oh think back to the days that this was one of the ultimate insults on the playground.... or just something that made you laugh with your friends. When your mom seemed alternately wacky, invincible, and a rock in your life.
And then you grow up. Why is it that mothers just know exactly where to hit their daughters to make them feel like garbage? Were we born with this knowledge? Or did we acquire it from them?
Why is it that the most painful blows in life can come from our parents and our children... I think it might be because they are the ones closest to us, but I don't think the answer is that easy. I think it is because they can live with us and still not have any clue about who we are.
Someone I love dearly just suffered such a blow. And as one who has lived through some similar outbursts in my time from the motherly direction, I can relate to the disgust, distrust, and disappointment that comes with it. This one truly hit below the belt and also involved my brother... soooo do not mess with my family... married in or otherwise. I know I should not be shocked. After all, my mom is still quite special in the responses she is able to elicit from me. Or that I allow to come out, but that is another blog.
All I can say is that I pray that I don't have to do that to my daughters. That I can love and accept them as they are. I guess to some extent I will always want them to be growing and maturing, but I can't dictate how that goes. All I know is that I have to do my best and then trust that God has them in His hands. I have to be okay, and trust me- I am, that they are not like me. I remember saying "I will never do what my mom does". There are many things that I hope that they say the same thing about me. I hope that they learn things faster than I did, or that they learn things without necessarily experiencing them. I wish that I could keep them from some of the pain that I put myself through. I can't. But I will not judge who they are based on the limited amount that I see. I want to know, appreciate, and value them. I hope that I succeed.
In the meantime, just remember that when your mom comes after you with her judgments and pat answers (the ones that worked for her) just think about her wearing combat boots.... and run for cover.
Love to you all out there, Muffinhound
And then you grow up. Why is it that mothers just know exactly where to hit their daughters to make them feel like garbage? Were we born with this knowledge? Or did we acquire it from them?
Why is it that the most painful blows in life can come from our parents and our children... I think it might be because they are the ones closest to us, but I don't think the answer is that easy. I think it is because they can live with us and still not have any clue about who we are.
Someone I love dearly just suffered such a blow. And as one who has lived through some similar outbursts in my time from the motherly direction, I can relate to the disgust, distrust, and disappointment that comes with it. This one truly hit below the belt and also involved my brother... soooo do not mess with my family... married in or otherwise. I know I should not be shocked. After all, my mom is still quite special in the responses she is able to elicit from me. Or that I allow to come out, but that is another blog.
All I can say is that I pray that I don't have to do that to my daughters. That I can love and accept them as they are. I guess to some extent I will always want them to be growing and maturing, but I can't dictate how that goes. All I know is that I have to do my best and then trust that God has them in His hands. I have to be okay, and trust me- I am, that they are not like me. I remember saying "I will never do what my mom does". There are many things that I hope that they say the same thing about me. I hope that they learn things faster than I did, or that they learn things without necessarily experiencing them. I wish that I could keep them from some of the pain that I put myself through. I can't. But I will not judge who they are based on the limited amount that I see. I want to know, appreciate, and value them. I hope that I succeed.
In the meantime, just remember that when your mom comes after you with her judgments and pat answers (the ones that worked for her) just think about her wearing combat boots.... and run for cover.
Love to you all out there, Muffinhound
My Deviant Son
Let me get this out first: My son is four years old. He just started Kindergarten last week. He turns five in about a week and a half. He has been suspended from school. Ouch.
I am not meaning to be flippant about any of this. I will get to what he did. I just think that it is both serious and somewhat normal. Remember throughout this that he is four.
My son put his hand down the back of a little 's pants. Wait, that is not entirely correct. He put his hand down the back of two little s' pants.
First, I don't disagree with him being kept at home for today. As the mother of three s as well, I wouldn't be too thrilled if it happened to them. However, I would understand that they are really young and that sometimes children do incredibly dumb things for fun.
The parents of the little s are understandably ticked. They are looking at us and imagining the worst. Let me tell you that my husband and I are not training my son on a Sunday morning to wreak havoc among his classmates. I am completely mortified that he would behave that way. I believe that there is discipline that needs to be meted out.
This is the point that upsets me: we live in a world where our kids can barely play outside because we do not know our neighbors. I am looked at strangely when I tell my children that the reason that they can't go over to so and so's house is because I do not know their parents. I have had discussions with other parents about what I would rather my children not watch. I'm not a control freak... we just have set standards for our children. Shows today are a lot different than when I was little. There is a TV show that is all about lesbian teenagers. It is on at a time slot that my children could watch. I'm not going to deny that things of this nature are occurring in the world, but I don't necessarily want my children to learn about them on TV.
Which goes back to the question, "how could my son do such a thing?" I think the answer is "innocently because he thought that it was funny". That may not satisfy anyone, but I know my son. He is a prankster that needs to learn his lesson on this one. He thinks that everything is funny and normally has a great sense of humor. I think that he just never crossed this line before. He is having to learn that what he did was entirely inappropriate and can't happen again.
The thing that I want to avoid is the lasting consequence of this. I want to discipline my son while protecting him. I don't want him to freak out later on when he is older that he can never touch a . My husband and I have opinions as to the timing of that. We will teach him accordingly. However, I do not want him to think of himself as evil as the other parents want him to. I want him to know that he made the wrong choice, took the wrong action. He can do the right thing next time. He does not have to make the same mistake.
I just wish that life were a little simpler again. I think that we have complicated child rearing past the point of recognition. I take responsibility for disciplining my son. Trust and believe that he knows what I think about his actions. I feel terribly that these other families have to deal with this, especially since it seems to have affected them so severely. I hope that they can forgive my son and be okay. If not, I will have to send him to private school to get away from his "reputation". I am being serious here. I already know how parents are nowadays. Everyone freaks out over everything. I think that the process of learning what is appropriate has been stunted by my over protectiveness. I'll do what I can to fix it. I just hope that this all works out alright.
Love to you all out there, Muffinhound
I am not meaning to be flippant about any of this. I will get to what he did. I just think that it is both serious and somewhat normal. Remember throughout this that he is four.
My son put his hand down the back of a little 's pants. Wait, that is not entirely correct. He put his hand down the back of two little s' pants.
First, I don't disagree with him being kept at home for today. As the mother of three s as well, I wouldn't be too thrilled if it happened to them. However, I would understand that they are really young and that sometimes children do incredibly dumb things for fun.
The parents of the little s are understandably ticked. They are looking at us and imagining the worst. Let me tell you that my husband and I are not training my son on a Sunday morning to wreak havoc among his classmates. I am completely mortified that he would behave that way. I believe that there is discipline that needs to be meted out.
This is the point that upsets me: we live in a world where our kids can barely play outside because we do not know our neighbors. I am looked at strangely when I tell my children that the reason that they can't go over to so and so's house is because I do not know their parents. I have had discussions with other parents about what I would rather my children not watch. I'm not a control freak... we just have set standards for our children. Shows today are a lot different than when I was little. There is a TV show that is all about lesbian teenagers. It is on at a time slot that my children could watch. I'm not going to deny that things of this nature are occurring in the world, but I don't necessarily want my children to learn about them on TV.
Which goes back to the question, "how could my son do such a thing?" I think the answer is "innocently because he thought that it was funny". That may not satisfy anyone, but I know my son. He is a prankster that needs to learn his lesson on this one. He thinks that everything is funny and normally has a great sense of humor. I think that he just never crossed this line before. He is having to learn that what he did was entirely inappropriate and can't happen again.
The thing that I want to avoid is the lasting consequence of this. I want to discipline my son while protecting him. I don't want him to freak out later on when he is older that he can never touch a . My husband and I have opinions as to the timing of that. We will teach him accordingly. However, I do not want him to think of himself as evil as the other parents want him to. I want him to know that he made the wrong choice, took the wrong action. He can do the right thing next time. He does not have to make the same mistake.
I just wish that life were a little simpler again. I think that we have complicated child rearing past the point of recognition. I take responsibility for disciplining my son. Trust and believe that he knows what I think about his actions. I feel terribly that these other families have to deal with this, especially since it seems to have affected them so severely. I hope that they can forgive my son and be okay. If not, I will have to send him to private school to get away from his "reputation". I am being serious here. I already know how parents are nowadays. Everyone freaks out over everything. I think that the process of learning what is appropriate has been stunted by my over protectiveness. I'll do what I can to fix it. I just hope that this all works out alright.
Love to you all out there, Muffinhound
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