Choosing Worship

I'm sitting here in a very weird place emotionally. Part of me feels like I am on a cloud. I'm hearing these beautiful words- "I have nothing more... than all You offer me... There is nothing else that's of worth to me! I love You, Lord... You rescued me... You are all that I want... You're all I need" But here is my favorite part "In Your freedom I will live. In Your freedom I will live. I offer devotion. I offer devotion."

How perfectly simple. I have the faith of a child. I am not going to sit down and try and pick it apart. He is who He says He is. I have seen what He can do in so many areas of my life. I am more than happy to share if someone wants to know. I had to explain to my parents why I put them off at times for the sake of what I do at church or the mission. I told them that I know that I will have forever to celebrate with them in Heaven... right now I need to be concerned with those that may not go there! I don't think that they ever thought of it like that.

"Unfailing love... stronger than mountains... deeper than oceans... reaches to me" God's love reaches a part of me that was wounded so grievously that there was no possible remedy. A part in all of us. You may not agree and that's okay and I am not here to argue. I know that I used this example a long time ago in a blog, but I'll use it again. If I were given a gift that was perfect, something I wanted and needed, I would tell everyone about the gift and the one who gave it to me. That is what this is.

I was talking to my daughter tonight. She just got back from Mexico. She helped to build a house for a little family in Juarez. I asked how it all made her feel and she told me that she felt sad. I asked why and she told me that she was sad that anyone would have to live the way that the family had to before. She felt like she was a part of God's plan... something special to help those in the world that needed it. She wants to make a difference and this week she got to.

Normally belief is followed with action. What will my action be? I had to explain to my daughter that overwhelming fear has paralyzed me in the past from doing what I was supposed to for the Lord. There is no shame in that for me... I had things to learn. "In Your freedom I will live... I offer devotion". And I am free.

Now how does this play out at church and the mission? Well, the mission is easy. I am surrounded with people in desperate need to see me being myself and loving the Lord. They need to see that the Lord wants to work with them as they are; that what they are truly is enough. Oh, do I love encouraging them! I know that I am right where the Lord wants me to be.
Ahhh, the church. "The church, you see, is not peripheral to the world; the world is peripheral to the church. The church is Christ's body, in which he speaks and acts, by which he fills everything with his presence." Ephesians 1: 23 (Message)

"I know You gave the world Your only Son for us to know Your Name to live within the Savior's love and You took my place knowing He'd be crucified and You loved... and You loved a people undeserving" This moves me to praise. I want to raise my hands in His presence even now. The Bible says that He inhabits the praises of His people. He amazes me every day. It is like rain in the summer... okay I'm from California so it doesn't happen often. One time I was driving from San Jose to San Carlos (just past Redwood City on the way to San Francisco) and it started to rain... not only that, but I looked to the right of me on the freeway (280) and on the beautiful, rolling hills were men and women dressed up for an English hunt! With the rain and that wild scene it was like some surreal moment where my little romantic heart met with some bizarre reality... but it was real.

Not that worship is like a twilight zone moment, but it almost transcends everything around and allows you to forget every worry, every care. Again... amazing. "And You saw me when You took a crown of thorn and Your blood washed over me and You loved me through the nails that You bore and Your blood washes over me"

Why blood? The Old Testament talked about the sacrifices made to God. For Everything. Hebrews 9:22 says that without the shedding of blood there is no remission of sin. wow that is a lot of Christian lingo in one sentence... probably because it is from the King James Bible. Not a bad version. Not always easily readable for a regular girl like me! Hebrew 9:22 in the message says "Practically everything in a will hinges on a death. That's why blood, the evidence of death, is used so much in our tradition, especially regarding forgiveness of sins." A little more simply put. That explains a little about why we talk about blood... but that was a huge bunny trail!
"Heal my heart and make it clean... open up my eyes to the things unseen... show me how to love like You have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks Your. Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause as I walk from Earth into eternity." .... "I want a faith like that... to see the dead rise... or see You pass by... I want a faith like that... whatever the cost... I'll suffer the loss... I want a faith like that". I think that says where I am personally.

But, ahhh, the church. How can I say anything that would even be remotely critical? I don't feel anything is wrong with our church. It is a group of people that really love the Lord. The only thing that is occasionally difficult is the lack of physical demonstration during the music. Someone asked the choir that I was in several years ago, "If your hands are down, what is holding them there?" I had to think about that. I didn't raise my hands in church because I did not get along with my mother and we went to the same church. We fought frequently and I did not want her to think that I was a hypocrite. That was crazy! We are all hypocrites! None of us live up to the standards that we set for ourselves, hard as we may try. I ended up talking about this with my mother at one point and she told me that she wished I had raised my hands!

What does raising my hands mean? Well, to me, it is the physical act of offering myself to God as well as my praise. There is no use for me to be a Christian if my life does not scream His love and grace to everyone that I come in contact with. I can't do that all of the time because, hey, I still suck! But, in the power of the Holy Spirit, I can do so much! My life is my offering. My heart is the strength behind it... Jesus lives there. I can do this life with Him. I don't feel empty when I am running after Jesus. (Does anyone hear "You complete me"? or am I the only freak out there?) Why would I keep my hands at my side? I am overwhelmed with joy... something not dependent on my circumstances, but solely on my Savior. He is arresting beauty; He stops me in my tracks and all I can do is cry. "And You loved a people undeserving" Again, amazing. I don't have to sing a word to feel wrapped in His love. Nothing that happens to or around me can change His love.

I have had experiences in my personal worship where I felt myself asking God to stop because I was overwhelmed by His love. I could feel the depth of it... and the passion of it. How can I remain unchanged? I can't. I want that moment with my church. I want those things with my brothers and sisters in Christ. I want them to feel that moment and not give a rip that tears are flowing and their boss is across the aisle and the neighbor that might never be nice is visiting and they have to put lunch on as soon as they get home and there are bills that aren't paid. Etc. I love when I have gotten alone with God in a group. I like it better when I get to cart others along.

Wow this was a long one! I guess I really am in a weird place. A wonderful place of worship... and a scary place not knowing what is next in church. That is the toughest one for me right now. I keep trying to figure out what I am holding back. Is it my fault that they don't feel the same way that I do when I'm leading worship? No... they react the same when others lead. Ahhh, it's not mine to deal with. God will have to work it out. I can't let it bring me down or change what I need to do. I need to go out there prepared to worship and hope that they are prepared as well. We'll see how it goes.

Love to you all out there, Muffinhound