I have to get this out. I want everyone to know how human I am.
I think I can trace every major difficulty that I have ever had back to a desperate need to control. Not a shocker, most people have this issue to some extent. The only reason that I bring this up is I have realized that I am starting to take my actions to extremes again. This is not a good thing for me.
I think the main reason for my extremely addictive personality is that control thing. I joke all of the time about being a perfectionist, or being the diva, but I really am serious. This is something that I struggle with, not because I am better than anybody, but because I want everything just so.
I find some of my old habits very tempting. No, I don't want to drink again... that would be disastrous. I don't relish dreams of becoming a stoner again. At thirty-five that seems both pointless and lame. No, I've moved on to bigger and better addictions. Those stupid prescription pills... can't do that anymore... it landed me in the hospital... I felt good about this one because I was taking my own meds without going to scary lengths to get them. Surprising what little justifications we present in order to do what we do.
No, the main things that I want to do now are smoke (It smells so good again) and starve myself. Maybe even exercise compulsively... I'm pretty good at that one. I'm just having such a hard time right now for no apparent reason. Last summer was a full fledged nightmare for me. It really hasn't gotten much better... just busier. I have thrown myself into various activities and nothing has really healed all that I felt.
Now understand that I know that feelings aren't fact. I know that I do not have to act on them. I can suck it up and go on okay. Typically, I am not a depressed person. That still holds. Right now, however, my life looks bleak again. I am seriously bummed that things look so sucky in many areas of my life. I am doing all that I feel led to do and more, but nothing seems to change. I have to decide if I can stand my life this way even if it never changes. Some days the answer is yes and some days it is no.
So what I do when I am unable to make a difficult decision? I retreat into a world where I am controlling little facets of my life... and they normally end up hurting me. My recent hospital visit is a great example. Not that I want anything to go wrong, I still want things to be okay. I just can't make them be okay alone.
I've even had yelling-crying bouts with God before about some of this. Why? Why? Why? I don't even get some of this. I do understand that my character is being built up in this process. I am stronger than ever before in some ways, but I am still having a difficult time dealing with some things. I am not angry with anyone, I just feel fairly alone in this. No one can tell me what will make things right. How do you become content with situations that are stinky? Stinky in my case seems to be monotonous, boring, seemingly without purpose, without value, and staid. Some days I feel like grabbing my hair and pulling and screaming at the same time.
If this seems nebulous and vague, it is! Some days I can't even put a finger on the problem. Some days everything seems clear. One thing is certain: If Jesus were to come to get me today, I'd be fine with that. Don't mistake me... I don't want to die... I happen to like living, even enjoy it. I just get sick of feeling like I am on the edge of something cool and then nothing ever happens. Shoot... right now I would settle for a new baby, but that would not make anything better. (The rest of my children would be thrilled, however)
I guess I am going to have to suck it up for the time being. I'm not meaning to be dramatic, but I feel like I am dying little by little every day. This life I am in is killing me. I think that I need random and frequent vacations, but those are only a band aid. They are not going to solve anything for the long term. I guess I am going to have to have another get together with God over this garbage. I think that I need to figure out how to get grateful again. We'll see.
Love to you all out there, Muffinhound
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