Okay... since I am making this a game, I might as well go all out. My name is now Muffinhound. Maybe it is because I am on a diet and am no longer able to eat them. Maybe it is because I can sniff out muffins over a football field away. Or maybe it is some completely random (and fairly stupid) name that I have chosen.
I think that it is the latter. Duh.
I just want to be able to say what I mean without people stepping in, telling me that I'm not supposed to do that. I want to give full vent to my feelings sometimes so that I don't feel like I'm going to vomit hatred on some unsuspecting bystander. That would really suck. Might be entertaining for a moment, but it would still suck. Especially when they realize that I am so flipping short that they suddenly think that they can take me down until they discover the full force of my rage. Wow! Where did that come from???
And that right there is the reason for this blog. There are times when I honestly feel stifled by the life that I've chosen. I don't want to ask myself what if, but I find myself doing it anyway. This is the place where I can be all of the things that I may not be able to be out in the real world.
I can be daring here. I can say things that you might raise your eyebrow at, but wouldn't freak over like others in my life might. You are just some nice, anonymous reader. I get freedom from sharing with others. I then feel like I can control the random urge to run away and be a belly dancer in Greece. Gosh, would that be amazing? At this point, I would gladly tattoo my whole body and at least pierce my eyebrow, but that will never happen. Trust me, it just won't. So I'll settle for a few lines (written ones) and, hopefully, a few of your comments.
So maybe I can gain hope and inspiration from this place. And have another outlet to express myself.
Love to you all out there, Muffinhound
Thursday, July 26, 2007
'Cuz that's how I roll
Look, I'm not 'gangsta'... in fact, if you saw me, you would truly laugh at me saying that. I am about as white as they come. The reason I want to talk about this phrase is it is a great response to somebody else's stupidity.
If someone comes up to you and is complaining about your behavior, or why you do something, you can simply look at them and say... ' cuz that's how I roll'.
I can get offended when people approach me in a judgmental way. I think that responding in this manner keeps my sense of humor involved. After all, a stupid question deserves a stupid answer. This way I laugh instead of telling someone that my life is none of their business.
I never ask a personal question of someone that seems closed. I know that as a pastor's wife people might feel compelled to tell me an answer. One of the most beautiful pieces of information that I have learned as an has been that just because someone asks a question does not mean that they are entitled to an answer. Seems simple, but this one took awhile. As a result, I really have to pay attention to how someone seems to be wired when I am talking to them. I figure that if people really wanted me to know something that they would tell me.
There are always exceptions to the rule. If I see someone that is not acting like they normally do, I think that it would be a reasonable question. You can normally tell how someone asks, "How are you", if they want the typical generic response or something more involved. If I think that someone that I care about is truly hurting, I will slip in there. However, this implies a relationship: If I do not have one with the person, I will not even go there.
I think we tend to covet our space, both physical and emotional. We want to sulk alone if that is our choice, or share with those of our choosing. I do wish that we could all be a little more circumspect, myself included, about which lines we choose to cross. It would make life less complicated.
Love to you all out there, (Cuz that's how I roll) Muffinhound (my name for today)
If someone comes up to you and is complaining about your behavior, or why you do something, you can simply look at them and say... ' cuz that's how I roll'.
I can get offended when people approach me in a judgmental way. I think that responding in this manner keeps my sense of humor involved. After all, a stupid question deserves a stupid answer. This way I laugh instead of telling someone that my life is none of their business.
I never ask a personal question of someone that seems closed. I know that as a pastor's wife people might feel compelled to tell me an answer. One of the most beautiful pieces of information that I have learned as an has been that just because someone asks a question does not mean that they are entitled to an answer. Seems simple, but this one took awhile. As a result, I really have to pay attention to how someone seems to be wired when I am talking to them. I figure that if people really wanted me to know something that they would tell me.
There are always exceptions to the rule. If I see someone that is not acting like they normally do, I think that it would be a reasonable question. You can normally tell how someone asks, "How are you", if they want the typical generic response or something more involved. If I think that someone that I care about is truly hurting, I will slip in there. However, this implies a relationship: If I do not have one with the person, I will not even go there.
I think we tend to covet our space, both physical and emotional. We want to sulk alone if that is our choice, or share with those of our choosing. I do wish that we could all be a little more circumspect, myself included, about which lines we choose to cross. It would make life less complicated.
Love to you all out there, (Cuz that's how I roll) Muffinhound (my name for today)
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
My wannabe near death experience
I just have to say it: I love the emergency room! I love waiting and hearing everyone complain. Of course their little boy with a bruise should have been seen before the elderly lady that couldn't breathe! What was the triage nurse thinking? I love hearing people muttering at me because I was called back for blood work. "What's wrong with her? I feel sicker than she looks!"
I think people's selfishness is best (or worst) seen in an ER. I just shut my mouth and keep to myself. I wait patiently and go when I am called. To be perfectly candid, If I didn't I would be griping like the rest of them. Personally, I think that it is extremely rude and unattractive to complain like that so I would rather not do it.
So I waited like a good little girl and tried to read my book. Then I went back for tests and more tests. All to find out that something is wrong with my liver and they don't know what. Great. I love that, too. But I actually enjoy medical procedures. (You might as well if they are going to do them anyway) Since I am allergic to iodine in the bloodstream (for x-rays) I get to do some super fun nuclear medicine tests, as well as the run of the mill blood draws, x-rays, and the odd EKG. Sweet. Good to know that I don't have a blood clot, that my lungs look great (phew), and that my ticker is working just fine. But drat that liver!!!
So I am in pain. I can't take Tylenol (won't... maybe it's stupid, but I'm not pushing it right now) and I can't take Ibuprofen because of kidney stuff. So I'm keeping to myself for now so I don't turn foul on the first person that irks me. I think that it's a good game plan.
Beauty of it is that I slept half the day away to make up for the missed sleep last night. I love sleeping during the day... something completely lazy and decadent about lounging in bed at 2PM. Makes me feel wealthy... like the maid is just about to show up... and I can almost smell the dinner that my imaginary chef is whipping up in my gourmet kitchen. I have figured out that God does not want me to be rich because I would spend it on useless, needless things.
But I digress. So here I am in front of my computer unable to take a deep breath because I still hurt. Not a big deal... when I decide not to wuss about something, I have a high tolerance for pain. I didn't cry when my children were born or when I broke my leg. Felt like it... didn't do it. I'd rather make fun of how pathetic I am right now. I feel so tender that I'm walking like an old lady. And a mean one at that.
I'm hoping that it all just goes away and that it was some freak thing. I doubt it, but it's all good anyway.
Love (yeah, still love) to you all out there, Muffinhound
I think people's selfishness is best (or worst) seen in an ER. I just shut my mouth and keep to myself. I wait patiently and go when I am called. To be perfectly candid, If I didn't I would be griping like the rest of them. Personally, I think that it is extremely rude and unattractive to complain like that so I would rather not do it.
So I waited like a good little girl and tried to read my book. Then I went back for tests and more tests. All to find out that something is wrong with my liver and they don't know what. Great. I love that, too. But I actually enjoy medical procedures. (You might as well if they are going to do them anyway) Since I am allergic to iodine in the bloodstream (for x-rays) I get to do some super fun nuclear medicine tests, as well as the run of the mill blood draws, x-rays, and the odd EKG. Sweet. Good to know that I don't have a blood clot, that my lungs look great (phew), and that my ticker is working just fine. But drat that liver!!!
So I am in pain. I can't take Tylenol (won't... maybe it's stupid, but I'm not pushing it right now) and I can't take Ibuprofen because of kidney stuff. So I'm keeping to myself for now so I don't turn foul on the first person that irks me. I think that it's a good game plan.
Beauty of it is that I slept half the day away to make up for the missed sleep last night. I love sleeping during the day... something completely lazy and decadent about lounging in bed at 2PM. Makes me feel wealthy... like the maid is just about to show up... and I can almost smell the dinner that my imaginary chef is whipping up in my gourmet kitchen. I have figured out that God does not want me to be rich because I would spend it on useless, needless things.
But I digress. So here I am in front of my computer unable to take a deep breath because I still hurt. Not a big deal... when I decide not to wuss about something, I have a high tolerance for pain. I didn't cry when my children were born or when I broke my leg. Felt like it... didn't do it. I'd rather make fun of how pathetic I am right now. I feel so tender that I'm walking like an old lady. And a mean one at that.
I'm hoping that it all just goes away and that it was some freak thing. I doubt it, but it's all good anyway.
Love (yeah, still love) to you all out there, Muffinhound
Monday, July 23, 2007
About that....
About the picture at the right: I am not a stalker. If you don't know who Joel Houston is, here goes... he is the lead singer/songwriter for a Christian Praise group called Hillsong United. Their target is mainly youth. They come out of Hillsong Church in Sydney. Hillsong church has birthed many beautiful worship songs like "Shout to the Lord", "I give You my heart", "Mighty to save", etc.
One of the highlights of my recent trip to Australia was church on Sunday. We could not actually get to Hillsong's main campus as it was too far away from where we were staying. We decided to go to their City Campus. We hopped on a bus and it took us right to the church's door.
We get inside the sanctuary of the church and I'm just looking around, checking things out. All of a sudden I elbowed my friend, "No flipping way! It's Joel Houston!!!" My friend, however was not completely convinced at first. "I'm serious! It's Joel Houston. Let's get a picture." She does the talking. While I feel fairly free writing about things, when it comes to talking to famous people I can't do it. (I met the lead singer of The Clash, Mick Jones, and I completely froze with thoughts of 'we're not worthy' running through my head) Anyhow, we asked Joel Houston if he would take a picture with us and he graciously agreed.
If you are wondering what happened to my friend... well let's just say that she was ruthlessly attacked by wild kangaroos and wallabies before the shot was taken! In truth, I just cropped it because I thought that it was a good picture of me (and Joel Houston of course)! Hey, I'm nothing if not real!~!
Love to you all out there, Muffinhound
One of the highlights of my recent trip to Australia was church on Sunday. We could not actually get to Hillsong's main campus as it was too far away from where we were staying. We decided to go to their City Campus. We hopped on a bus and it took us right to the church's door.
We get inside the sanctuary of the church and I'm just looking around, checking things out. All of a sudden I elbowed my friend, "No flipping way! It's Joel Houston!!!" My friend, however was not completely convinced at first. "I'm serious! It's Joel Houston. Let's get a picture." She does the talking. While I feel fairly free writing about things, when it comes to talking to famous people I can't do it. (I met the lead singer of The Clash, Mick Jones, and I completely froze with thoughts of 'we're not worthy' running through my head) Anyhow, we asked Joel Houston if he would take a picture with us and he graciously agreed.
If you are wondering what happened to my friend... well let's just say that she was ruthlessly attacked by wild kangaroos and wallabies before the shot was taken! In truth, I just cropped it because I thought that it was a good picture of me (and Joel Houston of course)! Hey, I'm nothing if not real!~!
Love to you all out there, Muffinhound
Sunday, July 22, 2007
There's no excuse for abuse!
I went to Australia recently and this was a sign that I saw while I was there. I was surprised by it because, as a rule, I don't normally see people randomly spitting on other people. For one thing, you can actually go to jail for it... it's considered assault. I just kind of laughed that they would put that on a sign and I wondered why.
I found out a few nights later when I missed the express train to get to my stop. Instead of 3 stops to get home, the train I did make would have to stop at least 12 times. No big deal to me, I was just happy that there was another option.
Well a lady nearby, who had also missed the train and had probably had too much to drink, says out loud, 'yah poofter... I'm going to spit on him!" And then she did as the train rolled by!
I was offended and sickened by it, yes, but for some reason I could not stop laughing. I had never seen anything like that before and then I go to Australia and .... boom.... something ugly. Apart from that one episode, Australia was so wonderful that I did not want to return. It was weird to miss the 4th of July, but I wore red,white, and blue to commemorate. S'all good.
Love to you all out there, Muffinhound
Choosing Worship
I'm sitting here in a very weird place emotionally. Part of me feels like I am on a cloud. I'm hearing these beautiful words- "I have nothing more... than all You offer me... There is nothing else that's of worth to me! I love You, Lord... You rescued me... You are all that I want... You're all I need" But here is my favorite part "In Your freedom I will live. In Your freedom I will live. I offer devotion. I offer devotion."
How perfectly simple. I have the faith of a child. I am not going to sit down and try and pick it apart. He is who He says He is. I have seen what He can do in so many areas of my life. I am more than happy to share if someone wants to know. I had to explain to my parents why I put them off at times for the sake of what I do at church or the mission. I told them that I know that I will have forever to celebrate with them in Heaven... right now I need to be concerned with those that may not go there! I don't think that they ever thought of it like that.
"Unfailing love... stronger than mountains... deeper than oceans... reaches to me" God's love reaches a part of me that was wounded so grievously that there was no possible remedy. A part in all of us. You may not agree and that's okay and I am not here to argue. I know that I used this example a long time ago in a blog, but I'll use it again. If I were given a gift that was perfect, something I wanted and needed, I would tell everyone about the gift and the one who gave it to me. That is what this is.
I was talking to my daughter tonight. She just got back from Mexico. She helped to build a house for a little family in Juarez. I asked how it all made her feel and she told me that she felt sad. I asked why and she told me that she was sad that anyone would have to live the way that the family had to before. She felt like she was a part of God's plan... something special to help those in the world that needed it. She wants to make a difference and this week she got to.
Normally belief is followed with action. What will my action be? I had to explain to my daughter that overwhelming fear has paralyzed me in the past from doing what I was supposed to for the Lord. There is no shame in that for me... I had things to learn. "In Your freedom I will live... I offer devotion". And I am free.
Now how does this play out at church and the mission? Well, the mission is easy. I am surrounded with people in desperate need to see me being myself and loving the Lord. They need to see that the Lord wants to work with them as they are; that what they are truly is enough. Oh, do I love encouraging them! I know that I am right where the Lord wants me to be.
Ahhh, the church. "The church, you see, is not peripheral to the world; the world is peripheral to the church. The church is Christ's body, in which he speaks and acts, by which he fills everything with his presence." Ephesians 1: 23 (Message)
"I know You gave the world Your only Son for us to know Your Name to live within the Savior's love and You took my place knowing He'd be crucified and You loved... and You loved a people undeserving" This moves me to praise. I want to raise my hands in His presence even now. The Bible says that He inhabits the praises of His people. He amazes me every day. It is like rain in the summer... okay I'm from California so it doesn't happen often. One time I was driving from San Jose to San Carlos (just past Redwood City on the way to San Francisco) and it started to rain... not only that, but I looked to the right of me on the freeway (280) and on the beautiful, rolling hills were men and women dressed up for an English hunt! With the rain and that wild scene it was like some surreal moment where my little romantic heart met with some bizarre reality... but it was real.
Not that worship is like a twilight zone moment, but it almost transcends everything around and allows you to forget every worry, every care. Again... amazing. "And You saw me when You took a crown of thorn and Your blood washed over me and You loved me through the nails that You bore and Your blood washes over me"
Why blood? The Old Testament talked about the sacrifices made to God. For Everything. Hebrews 9:22 says that without the shedding of blood there is no remission of sin. wow that is a lot of Christian lingo in one sentence... probably because it is from the King James Bible. Not a bad version. Not always easily readable for a regular girl like me! Hebrew 9:22 in the message says "Practically everything in a will hinges on a death. That's why blood, the evidence of death, is used so much in our tradition, especially regarding forgiveness of sins." A little more simply put. That explains a little about why we talk about blood... but that was a huge bunny trail!
"Heal my heart and make it clean... open up my eyes to the things unseen... show me how to love like You have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks Your. Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause as I walk from Earth into eternity." .... "I want a faith like that... to see the dead rise... or see You pass by... I want a faith like that... whatever the cost... I'll suffer the loss... I want a faith like that". I think that says where I am personally.
But, ahhh, the church. How can I say anything that would even be remotely critical? I don't feel anything is wrong with our church. It is a group of people that really love the Lord. The only thing that is occasionally difficult is the lack of physical demonstration during the music. Someone asked the choir that I was in several years ago, "If your hands are down, what is holding them there?" I had to think about that. I didn't raise my hands in church because I did not get along with my mother and we went to the same church. We fought frequently and I did not want her to think that I was a hypocrite. That was crazy! We are all hypocrites! None of us live up to the standards that we set for ourselves, hard as we may try. I ended up talking about this with my mother at one point and she told me that she wished I had raised my hands!
What does raising my hands mean? Well, to me, it is the physical act of offering myself to God as well as my praise. There is no use for me to be a Christian if my life does not scream His love and grace to everyone that I come in contact with. I can't do that all of the time because, hey, I still suck! But, in the power of the Holy Spirit, I can do so much! My life is my offering. My heart is the strength behind it... Jesus lives there. I can do this life with Him. I don't feel empty when I am running after Jesus. (Does anyone hear "You complete me"? or am I the only freak out there?) Why would I keep my hands at my side? I am overwhelmed with joy... something not dependent on my circumstances, but solely on my Savior. He is arresting beauty; He stops me in my tracks and all I can do is cry. "And You loved a people undeserving" Again, amazing. I don't have to sing a word to feel wrapped in His love. Nothing that happens to or around me can change His love.
I have had experiences in my personal worship where I felt myself asking God to stop because I was overwhelmed by His love. I could feel the depth of it... and the passion of it. How can I remain unchanged? I can't. I want that moment with my church. I want those things with my brothers and sisters in Christ. I want them to feel that moment and not give a rip that tears are flowing and their boss is across the aisle and the neighbor that might never be nice is visiting and they have to put lunch on as soon as they get home and there are bills that aren't paid. Etc. I love when I have gotten alone with God in a group. I like it better when I get to cart others along.
Wow this was a long one! I guess I really am in a weird place. A wonderful place of worship... and a scary place not knowing what is next in church. That is the toughest one for me right now. I keep trying to figure out what I am holding back. Is it my fault that they don't feel the same way that I do when I'm leading worship? No... they react the same when others lead. Ahhh, it's not mine to deal with. God will have to work it out. I can't let it bring me down or change what I need to do. I need to go out there prepared to worship and hope that they are prepared as well. We'll see how it goes.
Love to you all out there, Muffinhound
How perfectly simple. I have the faith of a child. I am not going to sit down and try and pick it apart. He is who He says He is. I have seen what He can do in so many areas of my life. I am more than happy to share if someone wants to know. I had to explain to my parents why I put them off at times for the sake of what I do at church or the mission. I told them that I know that I will have forever to celebrate with them in Heaven... right now I need to be concerned with those that may not go there! I don't think that they ever thought of it like that.
"Unfailing love... stronger than mountains... deeper than oceans... reaches to me" God's love reaches a part of me that was wounded so grievously that there was no possible remedy. A part in all of us. You may not agree and that's okay and I am not here to argue. I know that I used this example a long time ago in a blog, but I'll use it again. If I were given a gift that was perfect, something I wanted and needed, I would tell everyone about the gift and the one who gave it to me. That is what this is.
I was talking to my daughter tonight. She just got back from Mexico. She helped to build a house for a little family in Juarez. I asked how it all made her feel and she told me that she felt sad. I asked why and she told me that she was sad that anyone would have to live the way that the family had to before. She felt like she was a part of God's plan... something special to help those in the world that needed it. She wants to make a difference and this week she got to.
Normally belief is followed with action. What will my action be? I had to explain to my daughter that overwhelming fear has paralyzed me in the past from doing what I was supposed to for the Lord. There is no shame in that for me... I had things to learn. "In Your freedom I will live... I offer devotion". And I am free.
Now how does this play out at church and the mission? Well, the mission is easy. I am surrounded with people in desperate need to see me being myself and loving the Lord. They need to see that the Lord wants to work with them as they are; that what they are truly is enough. Oh, do I love encouraging them! I know that I am right where the Lord wants me to be.
Ahhh, the church. "The church, you see, is not peripheral to the world; the world is peripheral to the church. The church is Christ's body, in which he speaks and acts, by which he fills everything with his presence." Ephesians 1: 23 (Message)
"I know You gave the world Your only Son for us to know Your Name to live within the Savior's love and You took my place knowing He'd be crucified and You loved... and You loved a people undeserving" This moves me to praise. I want to raise my hands in His presence even now. The Bible says that He inhabits the praises of His people. He amazes me every day. It is like rain in the summer... okay I'm from California so it doesn't happen often. One time I was driving from San Jose to San Carlos (just past Redwood City on the way to San Francisco) and it started to rain... not only that, but I looked to the right of me on the freeway (280) and on the beautiful, rolling hills were men and women dressed up for an English hunt! With the rain and that wild scene it was like some surreal moment where my little romantic heart met with some bizarre reality... but it was real.
Not that worship is like a twilight zone moment, but it almost transcends everything around and allows you to forget every worry, every care. Again... amazing. "And You saw me when You took a crown of thorn and Your blood washed over me and You loved me through the nails that You bore and Your blood washes over me"
Why blood? The Old Testament talked about the sacrifices made to God. For Everything. Hebrews 9:22 says that without the shedding of blood there is no remission of sin. wow that is a lot of Christian lingo in one sentence... probably because it is from the King James Bible. Not a bad version. Not always easily readable for a regular girl like me! Hebrew 9:22 in the message says "Practically everything in a will hinges on a death. That's why blood, the evidence of death, is used so much in our tradition, especially regarding forgiveness of sins." A little more simply put. That explains a little about why we talk about blood... but that was a huge bunny trail!
"Heal my heart and make it clean... open up my eyes to the things unseen... show me how to love like You have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks Your. Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause as I walk from Earth into eternity." .... "I want a faith like that... to see the dead rise... or see You pass by... I want a faith like that... whatever the cost... I'll suffer the loss... I want a faith like that". I think that says where I am personally.
But, ahhh, the church. How can I say anything that would even be remotely critical? I don't feel anything is wrong with our church. It is a group of people that really love the Lord. The only thing that is occasionally difficult is the lack of physical demonstration during the music. Someone asked the choir that I was in several years ago, "If your hands are down, what is holding them there?" I had to think about that. I didn't raise my hands in church because I did not get along with my mother and we went to the same church. We fought frequently and I did not want her to think that I was a hypocrite. That was crazy! We are all hypocrites! None of us live up to the standards that we set for ourselves, hard as we may try. I ended up talking about this with my mother at one point and she told me that she wished I had raised my hands!
What does raising my hands mean? Well, to me, it is the physical act of offering myself to God as well as my praise. There is no use for me to be a Christian if my life does not scream His love and grace to everyone that I come in contact with. I can't do that all of the time because, hey, I still suck! But, in the power of the Holy Spirit, I can do so much! My life is my offering. My heart is the strength behind it... Jesus lives there. I can do this life with Him. I don't feel empty when I am running after Jesus. (Does anyone hear "You complete me"? or am I the only freak out there?) Why would I keep my hands at my side? I am overwhelmed with joy... something not dependent on my circumstances, but solely on my Savior. He is arresting beauty; He stops me in my tracks and all I can do is cry. "And You loved a people undeserving" Again, amazing. I don't have to sing a word to feel wrapped in His love. Nothing that happens to or around me can change His love.
I have had experiences in my personal worship where I felt myself asking God to stop because I was overwhelmed by His love. I could feel the depth of it... and the passion of it. How can I remain unchanged? I can't. I want that moment with my church. I want those things with my brothers and sisters in Christ. I want them to feel that moment and not give a rip that tears are flowing and their boss is across the aisle and the neighbor that might never be nice is visiting and they have to put lunch on as soon as they get home and there are bills that aren't paid. Etc. I love when I have gotten alone with God in a group. I like it better when I get to cart others along.
Wow this was a long one! I guess I really am in a weird place. A wonderful place of worship... and a scary place not knowing what is next in church. That is the toughest one for me right now. I keep trying to figure out what I am holding back. Is it my fault that they don't feel the same way that I do when I'm leading worship? No... they react the same when others lead. Ahhh, it's not mine to deal with. God will have to work it out. I can't let it bring me down or change what I need to do. I need to go out there prepared to worship and hope that they are prepared as well. We'll see how it goes.
Love to you all out there, Muffinhound
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