Inspiration in the broken

When I was living in Arizona, I saw one of the coolest art forms I had ever seen. It was not executed by painters, potters, sculptors, etc. It was done by regular homemakers that were tired of their block walls in their back yards.

What they did was buy tiles, mismatched china, dollar store plates, and any ceramic objects in bright colors that they could find. They made these amazing murals on their back fences. Wildlife scenes took shape, flower gardens that might otherwise be impossible grew, and people felt like they had found an oasis in the desert.

Right now there are so many things going on in my life. I feel broken right now. I feel like I stink at my job. I want to run away from my family. The work I do at church is overwhelming me. My husband is busy all of the time. My weight had been getting to me. I still desperately want to smoke. I don't have any friends in town. I don't get to talk to my friends that live elsewhere because I work full time. I could complain on and on... and that is what this list really is... one long complaint.

Right now I feel like one of those mismatched plates that has been broken up, but not used yet. I am in this limbo land. I don't know what is next. I know right now that things have been flaring up in my life that I had thought that I had conquered. There are things that I truly thought that I was past that have come up to bite me in the tail. I'm not thrilled.

What I think is happening is that I am that broken plate, but instead of allowing myself to be broken completely, about a quarter of me is jumping away from the artist and saying, "I'm not sure what you want will be okay... or that I'll still be beautiful if I am a part of a bigger picture rather than just being me." I have gotten caught in that trap again that I am so stinking important... more important than God and what He is willing to do with me.

Unfortunately, I think that there is more that I need to lose before I am broken enough to submit. I can sense my own hardened heart. I am so angry all over again. I'm irritated by the smallest things. It is a miserable existence, let me tell you. I liked it much better when I could just accept everyone the way that they were and love them because of it. That was true sweetness. I could see the value in everyone and no one was beneath me. How easy it is to think that one area of superiority (intellect, talent, looks, whatever) makes you completely superior. How lame and who cares anyway???

I have come to the conclusion that I suck. I don't like being in this place. I am going to be praying for the way out. I know it has to do with humility and transparency and I know that it will hurt all over again. Maybe I'll learn this time. One could hope. In the meantime, I will look forward to the time that I can be part of a big mural... instead of some useless dish clinging to the pieces that I have left.

Love to you all out there, Muffinhound