"Here in my life" and other things

"I have never walked on water
Felt the waves beneath my feet
But at Your word, Lord
I receive Your faith to walk on oceans deep"

I have struggled for years with fear. At one point, I was practically agoraphobic. I went to a few very specific places with certain people. That was it. I refused to enter the super Walmart anytime before midnight. It was freaky to be that...well... I can hardly describe it. It wasn't necessarily fear, but I think I just got into a pattern that I was so comfortable with that I did not want to do anything else.

Gradually, God brought me out of that nasty, dark place. I think that Arizona was just an extremely rough time for me. There were so many lessons that I had to learn; so many changes to make. They were painful things. I had to give up things that I thought made up who I was. Some of the things that I had to give up were little comforting criticisms that made me feel better about myself at the expense of others. I decided that I wanted to be dealt with based on my own merits rather than the fact that I might have a sharper tongue than someone else. I knew that the Lord was not pleased, or well represented, in some of the things that I said. (and unfortunately still say, but trust me, I have more restraint now)

"And I remember how You found me
In that very same place
All of my failings
Surely would have drowned me
But You made a way"

So I had a game plan. I actually made a list of things that I would never do again. Some of the things on the list were truly ugly that made me look ugly as well. Some of the things on my list would have, had others actually seen the contents, been called impossible. One of which was not yelling at my husband any more. I have actually done fairly well with that one. I feel more in control of myself, Duh. There were many things on that list as well. Some I did for quite some time and then started struggling. For awhile, I didn't say one critical thing about anyone! At All! That one lasted about two years. It is easy to let something go after you start messing up.

I'm hopping down a bunny trail here, but these things won't really make me a better Christian. They may be things that God wants me to do, but adding or subtracting habits or behaviors from my life is not what God wants. To be His first... then the doing comes.

"You are my freedom
Jesus You're the reason
I'm kneeling again at Your throne
Where would I be without You
Here in my life?"

I have heard people say that my faith is weakness. I am not offended by this. "A fool shows his anger at once and a wise man overlooks an insult" (Proverbs) I feel sad that I don't always get the chance to explain all that God has done in my life. My faith is not weakness. I have found that it is a position of profound strength. I have a deep and intimate relationship with the Creator of the universe that loves me passionately. I'm going to be slightly unpopular here: He loves the prostitutes that I see near my work, the drug addicts that don't really want to give it up, the men and women that have hardened their heart to the wrong that they do, the ones that say that there is no God... He loves them desperately. I'm not pushy... I hope that my life speaks.

"You have said that all the heavens
Sing for joy at one who finds
The way to freedom
Truth of Jesus
Brought from death into His life"

I know that I am human and imperfect; I would never play my life off as otherwise. I have a sharp tongue that can wound deeply. I am a perfectionist about music (among other things)... completely retentive. I still battle my temper and often lose. Just because I believe that Jesus died on a cross and didn't stay dead doesn't mean that I'm now a member of an exclusive club that no one else is good enough to join. Shoot... I wasn't good enough to join! None of us are!

I'm going to be extremely open here and bare my soul a bit. I had an abortion when I was 18. I will not say what I think about abortion because you could probably guess my heart on this matter now. It was what I felt that I had to do. I was afraid of what my parents would say. I was afraid that I would have been unable to handle the responsibility. I used to calculate how old they would be, when they would have been born. I used to flog myself with my burden. Oh how it hurt. It hurt even more after I had children and knew what it was like to love them. It used to be unbearable. Then one day in my kitchen I started thinking about some of the things that the Bible says. "If you confess your sins He is faithful and righteous to forgive them", "As far as the East is from the West that is how far He removes our sin from us", and "He takes our sin and remembers it no more". If God sees it like that, who am I to hold punish myself for something He doesn't even remember? Since my feelings weren't in line with what the God's Word says, I prayed that God would make me feel forgiven. He did. I was overwhelmed by His love and forgiveness. I felt like a child that had a dad that was proud of me. Really proud of me... just because I was His!

"And I remember how You saw me
Through the eyes of Your grace
And though the cost was
Your Beloved (Jesus) for me
Still You made a way...
You are my freedom..."

Maybe after all of this you are saying, "what a freak... she should have just taken medication". I actually was tested for a couple of things because I asked to be... I wanted to find out what was wrong. I was hoping that something would have shown up. It would have explained a lot. Nothing did. Darn.

I think with age we get into these comfortable little ruts and nothing short of a burning bush experience will move us, and sometimes that isn't even enough. I just decided that I didn't want to be before God someday hearing about all of the opportunities that I missed to love the Lord with my life. How foolish that I would hold to conventions more than I hold on to my God. Everything else in life will fail me, but God never will. Not weakness... profound, confident strength. I hope that the next generation of Christians show a harvest of selfless activism, living out His love in a practical way in the world... not isolated in our little church bubbles. Let it begin with me and mine.

Love to you all out there, Muffinhound

The song that I quoted is "Here in my life" from Hillsong Australia's Savior King Album