"I have never walked on water
Felt the waves beneath my feet
But at Your word, Lord
I receive Your faith to walk on oceans deep"
I have struggled for years with fear. At one point, I was practically agoraphobic. I went to a few very specific places with certain people. That was it. I refused to enter the super Walmart anytime before midnight. It was freaky to be that...well... I can hardly describe it. It wasn't necessarily fear, but I think I just got into a pattern that I was so comfortable with that I did not want to do anything else.
Gradually, God brought me out of that nasty, dark place. I think that Arizona was just an extremely rough time for me. There were so many lessons that I had to learn; so many changes to make. They were painful things. I had to give up things that I thought made up who I was. Some of the things that I had to give up were little comforting criticisms that made me feel better about myself at the expense of others. I decided that I wanted to be dealt with based on my own merits rather than the fact that I might have a sharper tongue than someone else. I knew that the Lord was not pleased, or well represented, in some of the things that I said. (and unfortunately still say, but trust me, I have more restraint now)
"And I remember how You found me
In that very same place
All of my failings
Surely would have drowned me
But You made a way"
So I had a game plan. I actually made a list of things that I would never do again. Some of the things on the list were truly ugly that made me look ugly as well. Some of the things on my list would have, had others actually seen the contents, been called impossible. One of which was not yelling at my husband any more. I have actually done fairly well with that one. I feel more in control of myself, Duh. There were many things on that list as well. Some I did for quite some time and then started struggling. For awhile, I didn't say one critical thing about anyone! At All! That one lasted about two years. It is easy to let something go after you start messing up.
I'm hopping down a bunny trail here, but these things won't really make me a better Christian. They may be things that God wants me to do, but adding or subtracting habits or behaviors from my life is not what God wants. To be His first... then the doing comes.
"You are my freedom
Jesus You're the reason
I'm kneeling again at Your throne
Where would I be without You
Here in my life?"
I have heard people say that my faith is weakness. I am not offended by this. "A fool shows his anger at once and a wise man overlooks an insult" (Proverbs) I feel sad that I don't always get the chance to explain all that God has done in my life. My faith is not weakness. I have found that it is a position of profound strength. I have a deep and intimate relationship with the Creator of the universe that loves me passionately. I'm going to be slightly unpopular here: He loves the prostitutes that I see near my work, the drug addicts that don't really want to give it up, the men and women that have hardened their heart to the wrong that they do, the ones that say that there is no God... He loves them desperately. I'm not pushy... I hope that my life speaks.
"You have said that all the heavens
Sing for joy at one who finds
The way to freedom
Truth of Jesus
Brought from death into His life"
I know that I am human and imperfect; I would never play my life off as otherwise. I have a sharp tongue that can wound deeply. I am a perfectionist about music (among other things)... completely retentive. I still battle my temper and often lose. Just because I believe that Jesus died on a cross and didn't stay dead doesn't mean that I'm now a member of an exclusive club that no one else is good enough to join. Shoot... I wasn't good enough to join! None of us are!
I'm going to be extremely open here and bare my soul a bit. I had an abortion when I was 18. I will not say what I think about abortion because you could probably guess my heart on this matter now. It was what I felt that I had to do. I was afraid of what my parents would say. I was afraid that I would have been unable to handle the responsibility. I used to calculate how old they would be, when they would have been born. I used to flog myself with my burden. Oh how it hurt. It hurt even more after I had children and knew what it was like to love them. It used to be unbearable. Then one day in my kitchen I started thinking about some of the things that the Bible says. "If you confess your sins He is faithful and righteous to forgive them", "As far as the East is from the West that is how far He removes our sin from us", and "He takes our sin and remembers it no more". If God sees it like that, who am I to hold punish myself for something He doesn't even remember? Since my feelings weren't in line with what the God's Word says, I prayed that God would make me feel forgiven. He did. I was overwhelmed by His love and forgiveness. I felt like a child that had a dad that was proud of me. Really proud of me... just because I was His!
"And I remember how You saw me
Through the eyes of Your grace
And though the cost was
Your Beloved (Jesus) for me
Still You made a way...
You are my freedom..."
Maybe after all of this you are saying, "what a freak... she should have just taken medication". I actually was tested for a couple of things because I asked to be... I wanted to find out what was wrong. I was hoping that something would have shown up. It would have explained a lot. Nothing did. Darn.
I think with age we get into these comfortable little ruts and nothing short of a burning bush experience will move us, and sometimes that isn't even enough. I just decided that I didn't want to be before God someday hearing about all of the opportunities that I missed to love the Lord with my life. How foolish that I would hold to conventions more than I hold on to my God. Everything else in life will fail me, but God never will. Not weakness... profound, confident strength. I hope that the next generation of Christians show a harvest of selfless activism, living out His love in a practical way in the world... not isolated in our little church bubbles. Let it begin with me and mine.
Love to you all out there, Muffinhound
The song that I quoted is "Here in my life" from Hillsong Australia's Savior King Album
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Monday, August 13, 2007
Drama Drama Drama
I am too old for drama. There is drama at work, church, and in my family life. Sucks. I'm not complaining, too much anyway, just saying.
I have never been hated more in my life than I am at this moment. In order to do my job, I have to call people on the carpet for their stuff. I am not trying to prove that I am in power; I'm just trying to hold them responsible. If I do not hold them responsible, I get in trouble. So much for the good old days when I let them hang themselves. One blissful year has passed by since I instituted that personal policy and the honeymoon is over. Calgon take me away. I love having former gang members glaring at me like they want to sell my first child to their former dealer. Sorry... that was very Thailand of me. I just wish that I could take the funeral homes up on their offers and quit this job. I know that didn't really make sense. I have funeral homes that have been asking me if I could sing for memorial services. It is good money... for fifteen minutes of my time. I am about this close to begging my husband to let me stay home and do just that. I'd rather sell tupperware at this point... that is scary.
Ahhh church... I can't get too specific about this one. I just know that my husband can be super cool and sometimes others can be complete jerks. I may not be thrilled with my husband all of the time (let's not dig too deeply on this one) but he tries so hard at everything that he does. He always wants to do whatever God wants him to do. If God told me to pick up a horn and march around a city and that the walls would fall down, I would most likely say ,"you want me to what???" My husband would say ,"Alright, let's go". There isn't a whole lot of fear in him. I get so mad when he is held back by other people's fear. I think that is about all that I will say at this moment. I left church yesterday because I was so livid. I'm okay now. Just slightly bitter! I'm alright, the Lord is dealing with me on this one.
Families can be our most contentious relationships and mine is no exception. Right now I could cheerfully say mean things and throw animal hand signals (and disrespectful words) at my dad. I can't think of all of the things that I would like to say to him and my mother. My brother, however, will help me let cooler heads prevail. I won't say a word. Literally. I will not talk to them again. Last month my mom, dad, husband and I sat down to lay out ground rules for how we would deal with each other. My parents broke three of those ground rules in less than five minutes. AND my dad brought up something out of my past that I haven't done for over ten years! I told him that he was hateful and that he wouldn't see us again. Now I have to live it. It still hurts... I wish my parents did not still have the power to hurt me this way, but there is still a little girl in here that would like them to at least be a little pleased with me. Oh well... it will never happen.
So this is my life right now. I wish that my husband and I could hop a plane and go to Italy like we are planning. Today would be nice. I have decided that I never want to own a home if it means that I can't do anything else in life. So I think that I will start travelling more. I'm not hurting anyone by running. That is what this is anyway. I'm fine with me... I just don't want to get hurt by stupid people anymore. I've had enough. I've probably said more than enough, too.
Love to all (most) of you out there, Muffinhound
I have never been hated more in my life than I am at this moment. In order to do my job, I have to call people on the carpet for their stuff. I am not trying to prove that I am in power; I'm just trying to hold them responsible. If I do not hold them responsible, I get in trouble. So much for the good old days when I let them hang themselves. One blissful year has passed by since I instituted that personal policy and the honeymoon is over. Calgon take me away. I love having former gang members glaring at me like they want to sell my first child to their former dealer. Sorry... that was very Thailand of me. I just wish that I could take the funeral homes up on their offers and quit this job. I know that didn't really make sense. I have funeral homes that have been asking me if I could sing for memorial services. It is good money... for fifteen minutes of my time. I am about this close to begging my husband to let me stay home and do just that. I'd rather sell tupperware at this point... that is scary.
Ahhh church... I can't get too specific about this one. I just know that my husband can be super cool and sometimes others can be complete jerks. I may not be thrilled with my husband all of the time (let's not dig too deeply on this one) but he tries so hard at everything that he does. He always wants to do whatever God wants him to do. If God told me to pick up a horn and march around a city and that the walls would fall down, I would most likely say ,"you want me to what???" My husband would say ,"Alright, let's go". There isn't a whole lot of fear in him. I get so mad when he is held back by other people's fear. I think that is about all that I will say at this moment. I left church yesterday because I was so livid. I'm okay now. Just slightly bitter! I'm alright, the Lord is dealing with me on this one.
Families can be our most contentious relationships and mine is no exception. Right now I could cheerfully say mean things and throw animal hand signals (and disrespectful words) at my dad. I can't think of all of the things that I would like to say to him and my mother. My brother, however, will help me let cooler heads prevail. I won't say a word. Literally. I will not talk to them again. Last month my mom, dad, husband and I sat down to lay out ground rules for how we would deal with each other. My parents broke three of those ground rules in less than five minutes. AND my dad brought up something out of my past that I haven't done for over ten years! I told him that he was hateful and that he wouldn't see us again. Now I have to live it. It still hurts... I wish my parents did not still have the power to hurt me this way, but there is still a little girl in here that would like them to at least be a little pleased with me. Oh well... it will never happen.
So this is my life right now. I wish that my husband and I could hop a plane and go to Italy like we are planning. Today would be nice. I have decided that I never want to own a home if it means that I can't do anything else in life. So I think that I will start travelling more. I'm not hurting anyone by running. That is what this is anyway. I'm fine with me... I just don't want to get hurt by stupid people anymore. I've had enough. I've probably said more than enough, too.
Love to all (most) of you out there, Muffinhound
Thursday, August 9, 2007
I am frustrated... any ideas
At this point in my life I am a little frustrated. I work with men and women that are, supposedly, attempting to recover form alcohol and addiction. I am trying to help them obtain the skills that they need to be able to pass the GED.
I need to back up for a second. Some of these men and women are court ordered. Some of them really want a fresh start. It is about fifty-fifty at this point on who wants to be here and who doesn't. The ones that don't, however, are a pain in my backside. They are rude and belligerent. Shocker. Been there, done that. I really don't know quite what to do with the snotty ones. Some of them want to get kicked out. I'm torn between kicking them out and making them stay just for spite. In the end, I really don't have a say. The people with control over these people have said that this class is mandatory. Yeah for me.
I will tell you that some of these individuals, more likely men... it is what it is, are really motivated. They are driven. These I can work with. Some are so unfocused that I am fairly sure that the that they used caused irreparable damage. It is either that or they just want me to do their work for them and they figure that I will break down at some point and just do it. Hmmmm.... I take option 2. As a mom, it would be really easy to do their work for them, but since I can't take their test, I can't do their work. I fight myself every day on this one, but I haven't given in... there is no "yet" in that statement because I have determined that I won't. Period.
I have one gentleman that is exceedingly rude to me... wait, I have two... I think that I just want to run away. I guess if you add all of this little stuff to the bigger things going on in my life, I feel overwhelmed. I just want to get in my car and run to the beach or the mountains... somewhere relaxing where I can just be by myself. Calgon take me away!
Normally, I can be fairly adept at dealing with different temperaments. The teaching thing I am honestly not afraid of... I don't have to know everything. There is no shame in asking someone else for help in an area where I am weak. None at all. However, this personality issue is me. I know that I should expect them not to be perfect, but I wouldn't treat a dog I disliked as poorly as some of them treat me. And Boy, do they get angry when I call them on it or write them up! I love people who do not take responsibility for their actions... it's my favorite thing in the world.
I guess that I need to evaluate if this really is the job for me. I thought that it was going to be great. Parts of it are great. Some of it is so stressful and I don't know that I'm the right person for it at this point... maybe not ever. I had so many people tell me how much I fell short of the person that held this department last. That is pleasant. I was told more than once that "I was no Miss Gina". Of course not! I'm me, and for better or worse I was asked to do this because it was needed... especially because my company was not given a whole lot of notice. I was the best that they could do. I know, pathetic, but there you have it.
If anyone has any ideas on how to manage early twenty-something's (that have just come off of ) attitudes, let me know. I would sure appreciate any ideas that I could get my hands on.
Love to you all out there, Muffinhound
I need to back up for a second. Some of these men and women are court ordered. Some of them really want a fresh start. It is about fifty-fifty at this point on who wants to be here and who doesn't. The ones that don't, however, are a pain in my backside. They are rude and belligerent. Shocker. Been there, done that. I really don't know quite what to do with the snotty ones. Some of them want to get kicked out. I'm torn between kicking them out and making them stay just for spite. In the end, I really don't have a say. The people with control over these people have said that this class is mandatory. Yeah for me.
I will tell you that some of these individuals, more likely men... it is what it is, are really motivated. They are driven. These I can work with. Some are so unfocused that I am fairly sure that the that they used caused irreparable damage. It is either that or they just want me to do their work for them and they figure that I will break down at some point and just do it. Hmmmm.... I take option 2. As a mom, it would be really easy to do their work for them, but since I can't take their test, I can't do their work. I fight myself every day on this one, but I haven't given in... there is no "yet" in that statement because I have determined that I won't. Period.
I have one gentleman that is exceedingly rude to me... wait, I have two... I think that I just want to run away. I guess if you add all of this little stuff to the bigger things going on in my life, I feel overwhelmed. I just want to get in my car and run to the beach or the mountains... somewhere relaxing where I can just be by myself. Calgon take me away!
Normally, I can be fairly adept at dealing with different temperaments. The teaching thing I am honestly not afraid of... I don't have to know everything. There is no shame in asking someone else for help in an area where I am weak. None at all. However, this personality issue is me. I know that I should expect them not to be perfect, but I wouldn't treat a dog I disliked as poorly as some of them treat me. And Boy, do they get angry when I call them on it or write them up! I love people who do not take responsibility for their actions... it's my favorite thing in the world.
I guess that I need to evaluate if this really is the job for me. I thought that it was going to be great. Parts of it are great. Some of it is so stressful and I don't know that I'm the right person for it at this point... maybe not ever. I had so many people tell me how much I fell short of the person that held this department last. That is pleasant. I was told more than once that "I was no Miss Gina". Of course not! I'm me, and for better or worse I was asked to do this because it was needed... especially because my company was not given a whole lot of notice. I was the best that they could do. I know, pathetic, but there you have it.
If anyone has any ideas on how to manage early twenty-something's (that have just come off of ) attitudes, let me know. I would sure appreciate any ideas that I could get my hands on.
Love to you all out there, Muffinhound
Monday, August 6, 2007
A Little Bit of Ugly!
I have a friend that lives in another state and is going through a really rough patch right now. She is in the middle of a divorce that is destined to get ugly. He is a prison guard that fancies himself as far more than a corrections officer. He is "super trooper" or something lame like that.
Most institutions do not allow the employees to carry anything more than a baton, but when this, ahem, gentleman goes out in public, he wears his gun. So you don't flip out, they live in Arizona so it is quite alright to carry a gun as long as it remains visible. Then again, anyone and their mother can get a concealed weapons permit there. However, maybe the prospect of having to wear pink boxers in an un-airconditioned building in the desert is a deterrent for crime. Or maybe just the thought of meeting this ego-maniacal freak keeps them at bay. Who knows. Anyway, he wants people that see him to think that he is a police officer instead of a corrections officer.
Now my friend is not perfect. She has always been so competent that anyone could be intimidated. She could always do anything set in front of her. She is extremely intelligent and has exceptionally sharp wit. And a sharp tongue. You can expect that she will shoot straight with you. Well, when a man enters into that kind of life that whether he admits it or not has confidence and self-esteem issues, he does not need a woman that belittles him for not being able to do all of the things that come effortlessly to her. That about sums up her position.
Now for the super-fun part. This gentleman spends money like there is no tomorrow. He spent $1200, which they didn't really have, on ammo for his guns. He has a temper that is exceedingly violent. He has never hit my friend, but he has screamed at his 4 year old daughter, calling her a little "F". He has punched holes in walls and doors. He now wants custody half of the time so that he does not have to pay too much child support. He barely held his six month old baby before the divorce stuff started. They have three little girls. I am so sad for them.
Add to all of that the fact that he has cheated on her at least once. Not so sure about the first time... I was living there and he was acting weird. People had seen him about town with a girl other than my friend. Don't know... not going to assume.
I feel so bad for both of them... yes, both of them. When I met him, He was fun to be around and we would have them over all of the time. We had babies at the same time and went to movies together. We watched football and baseball together. We used to hang out and enjoy one another. My friend tried to get counseling by herself and with him. He just wasn't having it. He already has (had???) a girlfriend. Unfortunately, all of our old friends in Arizona aren't surprised. That kind of upsets me because I want to ask some of them if they knew that this might happen, why weren't they checking up on them? Why weren't they calling both of them on their crud? Marriage is a whole lot easier when you don't hang around people that blow smoke up your butt.
The other reason why this is sad is it brings into focus the thought of longevity in your own relationships. I can understand why people might say that this divorce really isn't shocking; they had been having problems for years. The reason why we couldn't be of help was that my husband did take this gentleman aside and asked him if he thought he was doing the right thing in his marriage. The guy decided not to talk to my husband and me again. Oh well on that one. However, back to my point, some marriages that you see end are seemingly happy, alive unions. They seem truly in love. They share interests and support one another. Those are the ones that really make you think... if it happened to them it could happen to me. That is a sobering thought.
I have truthfully thought about leaving my marriage and my husband is a decent guy! My problem has always been a restlessness and a need to battle my inner boredom. That's all. And my husband is really, really normal. I am a little bit myself, but I also like to do wild and fun things, too. I will hop a plane to go see a concert in another state if I have the cash. Just for fun. I like the excitement of that kind of freedom and I don't think that needs to end just because you are married. My husband has supported my fun things, but normally does not participate. The other issue was that sometime my husband is so focused on the goals in life that he almost forgets that I'm there. Hey, I'm not complaining; sometimes it's a good thing. However, sometimes it hurts.
The thing that kept me in line was that he didn't really truly do anything unforgivable to me. And that things that he was doing were not really on purpose. He was just insensitive and kind of self absorbed. Like I have never been that! And to be completely candid, the thought of being a single mom and raising four children mostly by myself really held no attraction for me. My children definitely need us both.
Wow, was that a big bunny trail! I just hope that my friends in AZ can somehow come out of this thing semi-whole. I hope that he can step up and be a decent dad and that she could be a little bit more compassionate toward his deficiencies. And really pray that he gets into some kind of anger management therapy... that is a must. I really do hope that they both get help for whatever pain they have from this. I hope that he does okay. I already know that she will.
Love to you all out there, Muffinhound
Most institutions do not allow the employees to carry anything more than a baton, but when this, ahem, gentleman goes out in public, he wears his gun. So you don't flip out, they live in Arizona so it is quite alright to carry a gun as long as it remains visible. Then again, anyone and their mother can get a concealed weapons permit there. However, maybe the prospect of having to wear pink boxers in an un-airconditioned building in the desert is a deterrent for crime. Or maybe just the thought of meeting this ego-maniacal freak keeps them at bay. Who knows. Anyway, he wants people that see him to think that he is a police officer instead of a corrections officer.
Now my friend is not perfect. She has always been so competent that anyone could be intimidated. She could always do anything set in front of her. She is extremely intelligent and has exceptionally sharp wit. And a sharp tongue. You can expect that she will shoot straight with you. Well, when a man enters into that kind of life that whether he admits it or not has confidence and self-esteem issues, he does not need a woman that belittles him for not being able to do all of the things that come effortlessly to her. That about sums up her position.
Now for the super-fun part. This gentleman spends money like there is no tomorrow. He spent $1200, which they didn't really have, on ammo for his guns. He has a temper that is exceedingly violent. He has never hit my friend, but he has screamed at his 4 year old daughter, calling her a little "F". He has punched holes in walls and doors. He now wants custody half of the time so that he does not have to pay too much child support. He barely held his six month old baby before the divorce stuff started. They have three little girls. I am so sad for them.
Add to all of that the fact that he has cheated on her at least once. Not so sure about the first time... I was living there and he was acting weird. People had seen him about town with a girl other than my friend. Don't know... not going to assume.
I feel so bad for both of them... yes, both of them. When I met him, He was fun to be around and we would have them over all of the time. We had babies at the same time and went to movies together. We watched football and baseball together. We used to hang out and enjoy one another. My friend tried to get counseling by herself and with him. He just wasn't having it. He already has (had???) a girlfriend. Unfortunately, all of our old friends in Arizona aren't surprised. That kind of upsets me because I want to ask some of them if they knew that this might happen, why weren't they checking up on them? Why weren't they calling both of them on their crud? Marriage is a whole lot easier when you don't hang around people that blow smoke up your butt.
The other reason why this is sad is it brings into focus the thought of longevity in your own relationships. I can understand why people might say that this divorce really isn't shocking; they had been having problems for years. The reason why we couldn't be of help was that my husband did take this gentleman aside and asked him if he thought he was doing the right thing in his marriage. The guy decided not to talk to my husband and me again. Oh well on that one. However, back to my point, some marriages that you see end are seemingly happy, alive unions. They seem truly in love. They share interests and support one another. Those are the ones that really make you think... if it happened to them it could happen to me. That is a sobering thought.
I have truthfully thought about leaving my marriage and my husband is a decent guy! My problem has always been a restlessness and a need to battle my inner boredom. That's all. And my husband is really, really normal. I am a little bit myself, but I also like to do wild and fun things, too. I will hop a plane to go see a concert in another state if I have the cash. Just for fun. I like the excitement of that kind of freedom and I don't think that needs to end just because you are married. My husband has supported my fun things, but normally does not participate. The other issue was that sometime my husband is so focused on the goals in life that he almost forgets that I'm there. Hey, I'm not complaining; sometimes it's a good thing. However, sometimes it hurts.
The thing that kept me in line was that he didn't really truly do anything unforgivable to me. And that things that he was doing were not really on purpose. He was just insensitive and kind of self absorbed. Like I have never been that! And to be completely candid, the thought of being a single mom and raising four children mostly by myself really held no attraction for me. My children definitely need us both.
Wow, was that a big bunny trail! I just hope that my friends in AZ can somehow come out of this thing semi-whole. I hope that he can step up and be a decent dad and that she could be a little bit more compassionate toward his deficiencies. And really pray that he gets into some kind of anger management therapy... that is a must. I really do hope that they both get help for whatever pain they have from this. I hope that he does okay. I already know that she will.
Love to you all out there, Muffinhound
Random Things of Beauty
Some days I feel like I have woken up with a special pair of eyes. Things just appear differently. It is almost as if my mind is taking pictures of various things that I find. And here is what I see... or a close approximation.
I'm driving to work on a street called Beale. The houses are not in great condition. The neighborhood, frankly, sucks. All of a sudden I look to my right and in front of a well-tended white house stands a woman of some indeterminate ethnicity. She stands at the fence that surrounds the property. What is beautiful about this? She is smiling. From ear to ear. It is not your ordinary smile, it is filled with peace. In that second of time, my heart lifted seeing someone that was at peace with the world and her surroundings, no matter how meager they might seem to spoiled rotten me. I wanted to pull over and ask her to include me. It was beautiful.
A little further down the road is this pink stucco house that I see almost everyday. It was not pink when I first laid eyes on it two years ago. It was grey and ugly. Hey, it is still ugly. But today I looked over and it seemed different somehow. It wasn't really ugly anymore, just worn. The pink exterior took on the look of a house that someone is trying desperately to bring back. It was no longer an eyesore. It was beautiful.
Rewind a day. I was in church on Sunday morning. Besides having a message that rocked my socks off (about Christians not just 'acting' like Christians, but 'being' Christians... God's continuity continues... see the previous blog) I got to experience really blessing the elderly folks in our congregation. As a worship leader, I can pray and pray and pray and still miss the mark with the songs that I choose. It depends on how everyone that is participating is feeling. For Sunday, since I did not know what the message was going to be beforehand, I picked songs that were meaningful to me. The first service is older hymns and some contemporary choruses. So I picked some hymns that were easily 100 years old and others that were within the last fifty years. May sound boring, but some of the words just grab you. For instance, "how sweet to hold a newborn baby and feel the pride and joy he gives, but greater still the calm assurance this child can face uncertain days because He lives." I have four children; this means something to me. That isn't what I intended to talk about, however. The thing that got to me was the fact that I look out at the congregation while I am leading and see these strong, older men crying. I'm sorry, there is nothing more beautiful than seeing a grown man cry over something that touched his heart.
Rewind a few more days. I think that I might have mentioned a funeral that my husband and I did for a family member of a group of sisters in our church. Let me back up. Five out of seven of these sisters have been removed from their mother's home and placed into foster care. The third sister is in foster care with a couple in our church that has a grown daughter. The couple has taken on the responsibility of helping the sisters in any way that they can. Well, the dad is a CPA and sometimes receives good in trade of services, especially from long term clients. Recently he was given a boat that was somewhere on the delta and the family made plans to go see it. They were going to Stockton for the day, but the foster daughter did not want to go unless her eldest sister could come, too. The couple said that this was fine and they set out. They were seeing the boat when the eldest daughter received a horrible phone call. A hospital in Stockton was calling to say that her father was there! Talk about odd coincidences. Unfortunately, he was there because he had been beaten and was on life support. The oldest daughter had to go to the hospital and make the call to take him off life support. Now none of that sounds pretty. I just saw that God was taking care of those young ladies.
How do you honor a man that might not have been much of a man, let alone much of a father? These s did an amazing job. Their father had ually abused all of the older s. He was a drunk and had gotten sober about two years ago. He had tried to go to each of the s and tell them how sorry he was. Even though what he did was dreadfully wrong, I have seen men do things like this and never admit to anything, let alone acknowledge the damage that it causes. I thought that this took courage on his part. The s planned a funeral that was about forgiveness, both of their father and their father's er. They picked appropriate and beautiful songs. I was also touched by my husband's sermon. He talked about how Jesus was beaten... that may seem a little off given the circumstances, but all I could think of was that Jesus understood what their dad had gone through. It was extremely touching to remember that Jesus was beaten for me. I cried thinking about what not only Jesus had been through, but what the s' dad had gone through as well. No one deserves to die that way.
Anyhow, some of that might have made sense and some of it probably didn't. All I know is that my day goes better when I am focused on random things of beauty rather than all of the ugly.
Love to you all out there, Muffinhound
I'm driving to work on a street called Beale. The houses are not in great condition. The neighborhood, frankly, sucks. All of a sudden I look to my right and in front of a well-tended white house stands a woman of some indeterminate ethnicity. She stands at the fence that surrounds the property. What is beautiful about this? She is smiling. From ear to ear. It is not your ordinary smile, it is filled with peace. In that second of time, my heart lifted seeing someone that was at peace with the world and her surroundings, no matter how meager they might seem to spoiled rotten me. I wanted to pull over and ask her to include me. It was beautiful.
A little further down the road is this pink stucco house that I see almost everyday. It was not pink when I first laid eyes on it two years ago. It was grey and ugly. Hey, it is still ugly. But today I looked over and it seemed different somehow. It wasn't really ugly anymore, just worn. The pink exterior took on the look of a house that someone is trying desperately to bring back. It was no longer an eyesore. It was beautiful.
Rewind a day. I was in church on Sunday morning. Besides having a message that rocked my socks off (about Christians not just 'acting' like Christians, but 'being' Christians... God's continuity continues... see the previous blog) I got to experience really blessing the elderly folks in our congregation. As a worship leader, I can pray and pray and pray and still miss the mark with the songs that I choose. It depends on how everyone that is participating is feeling. For Sunday, since I did not know what the message was going to be beforehand, I picked songs that were meaningful to me. The first service is older hymns and some contemporary choruses. So I picked some hymns that were easily 100 years old and others that were within the last fifty years. May sound boring, but some of the words just grab you. For instance, "how sweet to hold a newborn baby and feel the pride and joy he gives, but greater still the calm assurance this child can face uncertain days because He lives." I have four children; this means something to me. That isn't what I intended to talk about, however. The thing that got to me was the fact that I look out at the congregation while I am leading and see these strong, older men crying. I'm sorry, there is nothing more beautiful than seeing a grown man cry over something that touched his heart.
Rewind a few more days. I think that I might have mentioned a funeral that my husband and I did for a family member of a group of sisters in our church. Let me back up. Five out of seven of these sisters have been removed from their mother's home and placed into foster care. The third sister is in foster care with a couple in our church that has a grown daughter. The couple has taken on the responsibility of helping the sisters in any way that they can. Well, the dad is a CPA and sometimes receives good in trade of services, especially from long term clients. Recently he was given a boat that was somewhere on the delta and the family made plans to go see it. They were going to Stockton for the day, but the foster daughter did not want to go unless her eldest sister could come, too. The couple said that this was fine and they set out. They were seeing the boat when the eldest daughter received a horrible phone call. A hospital in Stockton was calling to say that her father was there! Talk about odd coincidences. Unfortunately, he was there because he had been beaten and was on life support. The oldest daughter had to go to the hospital and make the call to take him off life support. Now none of that sounds pretty. I just saw that God was taking care of those young ladies.
How do you honor a man that might not have been much of a man, let alone much of a father? These s did an amazing job. Their father had ually abused all of the older s. He was a drunk and had gotten sober about two years ago. He had tried to go to each of the s and tell them how sorry he was. Even though what he did was dreadfully wrong, I have seen men do things like this and never admit to anything, let alone acknowledge the damage that it causes. I thought that this took courage on his part. The s planned a funeral that was about forgiveness, both of their father and their father's er. They picked appropriate and beautiful songs. I was also touched by my husband's sermon. He talked about how Jesus was beaten... that may seem a little off given the circumstances, but all I could think of was that Jesus understood what their dad had gone through. It was extremely touching to remember that Jesus was beaten for me. I cried thinking about what not only Jesus had been through, but what the s' dad had gone through as well. No one deserves to die that way.
Anyhow, some of that might have made sense and some of it probably didn't. All I know is that my day goes better when I am focused on random things of beauty rather than all of the ugly.
Love to you all out there, Muffinhound
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Spiritual Spankings
I just got my spiritual butt chewed big time. Some things that you read or hear just hit you and you can't help but say "ouch". Since I am hard headed and stubborn, I have been taken out to the spiritual woodshed for a spanking any number of times. This just cut me... so I share.
It starts with this question "If Jesus was all you had, would Jesus be enough for you?" Some many times I am disillusioned and disappointed in people or events. When they do not act the way that I think they should, or even the way that they say that they will, I get upset. Some people may think that would be understandable. But as a Christian, it really should be evident that I am one! I have a saying... you can't expect non-Christians to act like Christians, you can't expect baby Christians to act like mature Christians, and you can't expect mature Christians to be perfect. I know that it sounds annoyingly exclusive. Truth be told, I have met many non-Christians that are far more loving and generous than Christians that have walked with the Lord forever... including myself. Ouch to that. I want to love others so that people see that there is something different about me.
Okay, next item... "Many precious believers are in love with the things of the Lord, but they are not in love with the Lord Himself." Awww man. There are many times that I want to feel near to the Lord rather than be near to Him. The thing about being near to God is that you will always come away changed. Sometimes I would rather remain the same. Guilty again.
A little more..."Even with praise and worship it is possible to sing "about" Jesus and not truly worship Jesus. With preaching and teaching it is possible to talk "about" Jesus and not truly meet Jesus in what is shared. In prayer it is possible to talk "about" our needs and never actually commune with Jesus Himself." I could say a big, fat 'duh' here, but that would be rude. I have experienced this both as a worshipper and a worship leader. It is unpleasant from both angles. When you are leading, but not worshipping, it feels completely hollow. When you are leading and worshipping, but the ones that you are leading are not, it feels empty as well... almost like I failed in my job. I don't like feeling like a failure. (who does) However, it is everyone's responsibility to come prepared to love the Lord on Sunday... it is not my job to make that happen for someone else. It still stinks though.
"I have learned that stress, strife, disillusionment, dissatisfaction, bitterness, anger, hurt, misunderstanding, and confusion comes from everything said and done by religious people ABOUT the Lord, and IN THE NAME of the Lord, that does not, in fact, have anything to do with Jesus Himself." Whoa! Too true! That is honestly why I don't say anything to anyone unless I'm sure that I am supposed to... unless I'm so sad or angry that I'm not thinking straight... I did that one recently... boy, did I blow it! There are a whole lot nicer ways to express what I expressed in a nasty way. I have to be a little more circumspect next time I discuss something.
"How much of your focus is directed to the things of God, and not to God Himself? How much of your discussion centers on things about Jesus, and not Jesus Himself? Just look around. This brother is focused on end-time events, and that sister is devoted to inner healing. This brother is primarily concerned with prophetic things, while another sister is keenly interested in spiritual warfare. That brother is deeply involved with theological discussions, while that sister is in love with Christian music. One movement emphasizes this particular thing, and another group stands for another thing." Caught me! ouch!
This statement is so true that it hurts me desperately. "Many things compete for our time, attention, affection, energy, and money. But there is only one Lord Jesus. Just as some people cannot see the forest for the trees, I believe most sinners cannot see Jesus for the Christians. And I believe most Christians cannot see Jesus for the "church". Is Jesus enough?" Wow.
Here is the authors biblical solution. "Mark 3:14:
"And he ordained twelve, that they should BE WITH HIM, and that He might send them forth to preach."
You are called to be with Jesus. That is your calling. That is the primary thing, the highest ministry. Going forth to preach or do anything else is of secondary importance. We should be with Jesus; after that, He might send us forth to preach. But before Jesus said, "Go into all the world" He said, 'Be with Me.'"
The times in my life where I feel truly satisfied are when I was drawing near to God in a very real way. When I was immersed in knowing Him better, nothing else mattered. I didn't feel like I had to escape or run away... I was happy and serene with it. It was... well... cool. I live for moments like that.
"The call of the Lord is not more important than the Lord of the call." Deep, dude.
"If Jesus was all you had, would Jesus be enough for you? Or do you have to have all the "trappings" of Christianity, all the bells and whistles, all the toys and trinkets? Make no mistake: there is no life in the things that are ABOUT Jesus. There is life only in Jesus Himself." How often do I want things to look okay rather than be okay? Alright, most of the time I really would rather things be okay, but sometimes I just want the appearances because the interior jobs take so much work.
What this gentleman is saying is exactly what I needed to hear. "May I speak candidly? If you are dissatisfied and disappointed with your Christian walk today, it is only because of one thing: Jesus is not enough for you. Somewhere along the line, something else became more important than Jesus. Maybe you have become focused on the things ABOUT Jesus that are NOT Jesus. There is only one solution. You do not need more of the Lord, because He has already given Himself completely to you already. You just need less of everything else." Why do I need anything else when I have Jesus?
And here is the big finale.
"Remember.
Remember what it was like to hear His Voice, to be so filled with passion and love for Him, that you wanted nothing more than to sit at His feet, and hear His Word. Remember when you were so infatuated with Him that you did not want to do anything else. Remember what it was like to just be with Jesus. Go back to when Jesus first called you to be with Him. Go back to the time when all you had was Him. Go back to the time before you were planting churches, speaking prophetic words, preaching to the unsaved, pastoring the congregation, teaching the people, or leading worship. Go back to the time when there was no work, no ministry, no vision, no special calling - except Jesus calling you to be with Him. Remember when you said, "He's all I need!"
So what happened?
I pray the Lord will draw us after Himself and make us thoroughly sick and tired of things - especially the things that are ABOUT Him, but are NOT Him.
God so loved the world that He gave His Only Son, Jesus.
Well... is Jesus enough?"
I don't think that I need to say too much more... other than this is where you can find Chip Brogden's original article... http://www.livingcovenant.com/MiscArticles/Watchman%20Articles/IsJesusEnough.htm
Love to you all out there, Muffinhound
It starts with this question "If Jesus was all you had, would Jesus be enough for you?" Some many times I am disillusioned and disappointed in people or events. When they do not act the way that I think they should, or even the way that they say that they will, I get upset. Some people may think that would be understandable. But as a Christian, it really should be evident that I am one! I have a saying... you can't expect non-Christians to act like Christians, you can't expect baby Christians to act like mature Christians, and you can't expect mature Christians to be perfect. I know that it sounds annoyingly exclusive. Truth be told, I have met many non-Christians that are far more loving and generous than Christians that have walked with the Lord forever... including myself. Ouch to that. I want to love others so that people see that there is something different about me.
Okay, next item... "Many precious believers are in love with the things of the Lord, but they are not in love with the Lord Himself." Awww man. There are many times that I want to feel near to the Lord rather than be near to Him. The thing about being near to God is that you will always come away changed. Sometimes I would rather remain the same. Guilty again.
A little more..."Even with praise and worship it is possible to sing "about" Jesus and not truly worship Jesus. With preaching and teaching it is possible to talk "about" Jesus and not truly meet Jesus in what is shared. In prayer it is possible to talk "about" our needs and never actually commune with Jesus Himself." I could say a big, fat 'duh' here, but that would be rude. I have experienced this both as a worshipper and a worship leader. It is unpleasant from both angles. When you are leading, but not worshipping, it feels completely hollow. When you are leading and worshipping, but the ones that you are leading are not, it feels empty as well... almost like I failed in my job. I don't like feeling like a failure. (who does) However, it is everyone's responsibility to come prepared to love the Lord on Sunday... it is not my job to make that happen for someone else. It still stinks though.
"I have learned that stress, strife, disillusionment, dissatisfaction, bitterness, anger, hurt, misunderstanding, and confusion comes from everything said and done by religious people ABOUT the Lord, and IN THE NAME of the Lord, that does not, in fact, have anything to do with Jesus Himself." Whoa! Too true! That is honestly why I don't say anything to anyone unless I'm sure that I am supposed to... unless I'm so sad or angry that I'm not thinking straight... I did that one recently... boy, did I blow it! There are a whole lot nicer ways to express what I expressed in a nasty way. I have to be a little more circumspect next time I discuss something.
"How much of your focus is directed to the things of God, and not to God Himself? How much of your discussion centers on things about Jesus, and not Jesus Himself? Just look around. This brother is focused on end-time events, and that sister is devoted to inner healing. This brother is primarily concerned with prophetic things, while another sister is keenly interested in spiritual warfare. That brother is deeply involved with theological discussions, while that sister is in love with Christian music. One movement emphasizes this particular thing, and another group stands for another thing." Caught me! ouch!
This statement is so true that it hurts me desperately. "Many things compete for our time, attention, affection, energy, and money. But there is only one Lord Jesus. Just as some people cannot see the forest for the trees, I believe most sinners cannot see Jesus for the Christians. And I believe most Christians cannot see Jesus for the "church". Is Jesus enough?" Wow.
Here is the authors biblical solution. "Mark 3:14:
"And he ordained twelve, that they should BE WITH HIM, and that He might send them forth to preach."
You are called to be with Jesus. That is your calling. That is the primary thing, the highest ministry. Going forth to preach or do anything else is of secondary importance. We should be with Jesus; after that, He might send us forth to preach. But before Jesus said, "Go into all the world" He said, 'Be with Me.'"
The times in my life where I feel truly satisfied are when I was drawing near to God in a very real way. When I was immersed in knowing Him better, nothing else mattered. I didn't feel like I had to escape or run away... I was happy and serene with it. It was... well... cool. I live for moments like that.
"The call of the Lord is not more important than the Lord of the call." Deep, dude.
"If Jesus was all you had, would Jesus be enough for you? Or do you have to have all the "trappings" of Christianity, all the bells and whistles, all the toys and trinkets? Make no mistake: there is no life in the things that are ABOUT Jesus. There is life only in Jesus Himself." How often do I want things to look okay rather than be okay? Alright, most of the time I really would rather things be okay, but sometimes I just want the appearances because the interior jobs take so much work.
What this gentleman is saying is exactly what I needed to hear. "May I speak candidly? If you are dissatisfied and disappointed with your Christian walk today, it is only because of one thing: Jesus is not enough for you. Somewhere along the line, something else became more important than Jesus. Maybe you have become focused on the things ABOUT Jesus that are NOT Jesus. There is only one solution. You do not need more of the Lord, because He has already given Himself completely to you already. You just need less of everything else." Why do I need anything else when I have Jesus?
And here is the big finale.
"Remember.
Remember what it was like to hear His Voice, to be so filled with passion and love for Him, that you wanted nothing more than to sit at His feet, and hear His Word. Remember when you were so infatuated with Him that you did not want to do anything else. Remember what it was like to just be with Jesus. Go back to when Jesus first called you to be with Him. Go back to the time when all you had was Him. Go back to the time before you were planting churches, speaking prophetic words, preaching to the unsaved, pastoring the congregation, teaching the people, or leading worship. Go back to the time when there was no work, no ministry, no vision, no special calling - except Jesus calling you to be with Him. Remember when you said, "He's all I need!"
So what happened?
I pray the Lord will draw us after Himself and make us thoroughly sick and tired of things - especially the things that are ABOUT Him, but are NOT Him.
God so loved the world that He gave His Only Son, Jesus.
Well... is Jesus enough?"
I don't think that I need to say too much more... other than this is where you can find Chip Brogden's original article... http://www.livingcovenant.com/MiscArticles/Watchman%20Articles/IsJesusEnough.htm
Love to you all out there, Muffinhound
What's New
Other than the general restlessness that has invaded my life recently, there have been some super-cool things going on. With the intent to convince everyone that I am not a negative person, I would like to share those things.
First, I quit smoking. Yes, it smells good right about now, but I'm not smoking anymore. AND I haven't gained weight. Woohoo! This may not seem like much to you non-addictive types, but it is a big deal to me; I had been smoking off and on since I was about 15... twenty years!
I had another irritating (and painful) habit that I quit recently. I used to pick at my cuticles. They were always dry and rough so I would pick at them. (I am so glad that I never used meth... I could not imagine how messed up I would have looked) I finally stopped. They are completely healed. I even went so far as to get nails last night. I feel so pretty and feminine. That is not a normal state for me so I will enjoy it while I can.
My family is taking it's first let's-go-somewhere-other-than-Disneyland vacation ever. It is only over a weekend and it is to.... Legoland. Not a whole lot of difference, I know, but the children are excited. Well, we did not know exactly how this trip was getting paid for... we rarely have any extra money. (The nail thing was a complete fluke... we are just doing really okay financially) Still, this trip was a little more than we had to comfortably spare. Well, I came home from work yesterday and my husband told me that we had an unexpected visitor. Curious, I asked who... my husband hands me a pretty card. Someone from our church, who will remain nameless, just felt like they needed to give us $250! I trip out on stuff like that. God has taken care of my needs, but He also takes care of my wants. (I'm thinking that the spiritual refreshing that I got in Australia was a need and that time together having fun with my children is a need as well.) Anyway, we now have enough to go to Legoland. Yippee!
The last thing on my long list of blessings is we were given a car. Our purple mini-van that I drive has been acting up for some time. It overheats regularly. It has fuse issues... the wipers will just randomly turn on when the engine starts... or when I turn right... fun stuff like that. My husband's mom and dad had a Toyota Camry that belonged to his grandmother. At first they were going to sell it, but they later decided that they would give it to us. We would have paid the price that they were asking: It was really reasonable. However, they just gave it to us. I am so excited! It is black (the pain job needs some work) and has a grey leather interior. It has a moon roof. I am so pleased. It is going to be my car. Hubby still gets the pimped out mini-van. Oh and here is something freakishly weird... someone approached my husband and asked him if they could buy our junk van! My husband told them that it didn't run so hot all of the time, but the guy said that he would take it. How cool is that?!!!
So the outside stuff seems to be coming together. I am happy about that, really. It looks like we might even be able to buy a home within the next year and a half... without any credit card debt behind us. I'm thrilled about that one. I just wish all the inside garbage was going as swimmingly. I wish it were as effortless as the rest of my life. Hey! I actually said that I wish life were easier??? What a doof... I know that it is going to stink sometimes. This all sounds like a personal problem to me.
Love to you all out there, Muffinhound
First, I quit smoking. Yes, it smells good right about now, but I'm not smoking anymore. AND I haven't gained weight. Woohoo! This may not seem like much to you non-addictive types, but it is a big deal to me; I had been smoking off and on since I was about 15... twenty years!
I had another irritating (and painful) habit that I quit recently. I used to pick at my cuticles. They were always dry and rough so I would pick at them. (I am so glad that I never used meth... I could not imagine how messed up I would have looked) I finally stopped. They are completely healed. I even went so far as to get nails last night. I feel so pretty and feminine. That is not a normal state for me so I will enjoy it while I can.
My family is taking it's first let's-go-somewhere-other-than-Disneyland vacation ever. It is only over a weekend and it is to.... Legoland. Not a whole lot of difference, I know, but the children are excited. Well, we did not know exactly how this trip was getting paid for... we rarely have any extra money. (The nail thing was a complete fluke... we are just doing really okay financially) Still, this trip was a little more than we had to comfortably spare. Well, I came home from work yesterday and my husband told me that we had an unexpected visitor. Curious, I asked who... my husband hands me a pretty card. Someone from our church, who will remain nameless, just felt like they needed to give us $250! I trip out on stuff like that. God has taken care of my needs, but He also takes care of my wants. (I'm thinking that the spiritual refreshing that I got in Australia was a need and that time together having fun with my children is a need as well.) Anyway, we now have enough to go to Legoland. Yippee!
The last thing on my long list of blessings is we were given a car. Our purple mini-van that I drive has been acting up for some time. It overheats regularly. It has fuse issues... the wipers will just randomly turn on when the engine starts... or when I turn right... fun stuff like that. My husband's mom and dad had a Toyota Camry that belonged to his grandmother. At first they were going to sell it, but they later decided that they would give it to us. We would have paid the price that they were asking: It was really reasonable. However, they just gave it to us. I am so excited! It is black (the pain job needs some work) and has a grey leather interior. It has a moon roof. I am so pleased. It is going to be my car. Hubby still gets the pimped out mini-van. Oh and here is something freakishly weird... someone approached my husband and asked him if they could buy our junk van! My husband told them that it didn't run so hot all of the time, but the guy said that he would take it. How cool is that?!!!
So the outside stuff seems to be coming together. I am happy about that, really. It looks like we might even be able to buy a home within the next year and a half... without any credit card debt behind us. I'm thrilled about that one. I just wish all the inside garbage was going as swimmingly. I wish it were as effortless as the rest of my life. Hey! I actually said that I wish life were easier??? What a doof... I know that it is going to stink sometimes. This all sounds like a personal problem to me.
Love to you all out there, Muffinhound
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